I am publishing a book. I am consumed with awe. This is MASSIVE. Huge. It is a crazy large job to write. Edit. Re-edit. Check for mistakes. Check again because corrections were made. I have realized I am a perfectionist and I never want to do this again.
i just realized people who overexplain themselves aren’t looking for validation. they are just used to not being believed - forced to prove their memories, their pain, their worth, their truth - until they’re exhausted from just existing.
Quite literally. I told my therapist that I “went through puberty late” bc I grew 3” after I left my parent’s house. She was shocked & told me my body literally made itself smaller bc of my trauma until it was safer to grow again.
Being hurt, repeatedly, over time, by people w/ power in our world, can create this belief in us that it's pointless to try to improve our life-- because even if we get away, we'll constantly be looking over our shoulder.
That fear is not crazy-- but we can learn to manage it.
My earliest memories are incidences of CPTSD. I quite literally did not have a life before CPTSD. No one taught me how to adapt. Technically I never did “adapt”, I just started out in trauma and never left.
To understand the life of a person with cPTSD, is to understand they’ve experienced multiple traumas and after each one, people taught them how to adapt to that pain, rather than making the traumas stop.
My brain lives in the present but my body lives in the past. This means that certain things, ppl or situations trigger my body for no discernible present reason. This obfuscates my brain and retraumatizes me. Telling me to live in the moment doesn’t tell my body.
#trauma#CPTSD