Luredo

perpetual facepalm emoji

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

lol clint eastwood dies at the end of every movie except real life

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

in the UFC is it against the rules to block a punch and then just be like “quit. quit it. plz stop. that sucks. that hurt.” and just access their empathy?

also what’s the rule on killing them with a gun immediately?

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

there is no fucking way that if Elvis was alive now he wouldn’t be a big hairy diarrhea monster with a bush that could mop up the sweat from a Curves in Indiana

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

just me being straight as hell singing the hook to “Only Time” by Enya while busting on, you guessed it, myself.

Drive a Chevy.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

I can’t prove it, but I do believe Ron Paul owns like a bunch of Pokémon cards and he thinks it’s crypto and he’s naked and he’s FaceTiming his friends and he’s never done cocaine.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

so funny how saying “retarded” onstage went from unacceptable to acceptable to hack within like six months. I promise you McDonalds will be saying “retarded” in ads in like a week in a half.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

trump now urging the release of the Epstein files because he prefers to be viewed as a pedophile rather than gay is very on brand. go off, queen

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

Godspeed. Do not follow me down this hole. I must venture forth alone.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

Soon I’ll have an XBox Live account and at that point it’s Spotless Mind for me and the artistic friends of my past life. I will cross your path in one year and have no recollection of who you are, nor of who I was, and especially of being young and cool.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

Welp, it happened. I got the fattest I’ve ever been, started wearing basketball shorts with black tees, and immediately found a Mastadon song I like. It’s the beginning of the end, my guy.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

the silver lining is that liberals and conservatives finally agree that the 2nd amendment should be upheld. change my mind. 🤷‍♂️

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

so anyway you click play on War Horse and it really is as sad and washed up as you thought and you can’t even finish and then you truly do have that long awaited cry?

Then you just order a hooker, bang her, and feel a lot better.

What a relief. That movie sucks.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

then 30 or 40 minutes later War Horse shows up and you open the door and you’re like “ohhh Spielberg didn’t direct this one, I must’ve ordered the wrong movie” Y’know, but you gotta watch War Horse because you paid for it and, honestly, no one else is watching it anymore, smh.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

you guys ever have a bad day and you stop and think “yeah I could probably cry to that movie War Horse rn.” and you never saw War Horse but you think “I’m gonna watch War Horse tn.” then you get home 7 hours later and you’re tired but you still “rent” War Horse?

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

Isn’t it weird that every racist white kid you know is named Tanner?

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

@xdannyxbrownx Danny’angelo

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

I was researching the actors who played munchkins in the Wizard of Oz. Turns out, very little is known about them.

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

Tom Hardy is hot Nick Nolte mugshot type beat. A drunk bisexual ju-jitsu champion? Dog, take me to dinner and then call me gay. 👍

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

lol what if Drake was also like a huge Chiefs fan

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

i was on the train reading @ye tweets while a mentally ill homeless man screamed at me and it was synesthetic af

[Luredo @LuredoMarbery]

@AdamFriedland it’s not funny.