Mike Anderson

Hi! Family man sharing the occasional mishaps that happen to me 😁

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Met a guy that started the intro with a handshake and 30 seconds of conversation with no release of the handshake. I finally said 'So how long are we going to hold hands for?" I've been told I'm awkward

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Conditioned responses are real. I was at Chik Fil A and when the female worker brought me my food and said "My pleasure" my response was "You have pleasure too". WTF. Pretty sure I'm not allowed in that restaurant or near schools anymore.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Got my annual physical and had a pulse of 40. Nurse had to check me by hand because she didn't believe the machine. Told her that it's because I'm an elite athlete optimally operating. 1st time I've seen a nurse give an eye roll lol

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

I guess when you tell a wheelchair bound person at a nursing home to "Slow down, you don't want to get a ticket!", they don't view that as playful and a way to brighten their day. Instead, they might just tell you to go fu*k yourself.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

I learned the hard way that when an obnoxious drunk lady comes out of the bathroom singing that saying to her "That must've been one really amazing bowel movement" turns out to be the opposite of drunk lady repellent.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Ever have your foot fall asleep while sitting on the toilet? Yeah, me either

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

If you go to a wedding and your wife tells you not to sit in the chair that has a picture in it, make sure you read the part on the picture that says "In loving memory of" BEFORE you say in front of half the brides family "Why? This ladies not even here. Where is she anyways?"

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

If you go to watch a friend's HS daughter play soccer and at the gate they ask if you are there for the girls or boys game and your response is "I'm just here to watch girls" I think that puts you on the fast track to not be allowed within 150 yards of schools or playgrounds.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Went to a fast food restaurant and was judged by my food choice by an employee. I may have taken a wrong turn in life.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

I recently found out the hard way that if you eat a chocolate donut in your car and some chocolate spills on your seat and gets on your pants that it doesn't look like chocolate to other people.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Paint store guy asked lady next to me if she was going to need durable paint. She said it was for her bedroom and she had a headboard. I chimed in and said "So she's saying it's gonna get some use.". I think paint store guy got it after that.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Tripped on my way in to Menards and then pretended like I was running. There is never a cool way to trip.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

I scheduled a dr appointment and the woman scheduling asked my height and weight. After I gave her that, I threw in that I also enjoy long walks on the beach and sunsets. She did not think it was as funny as I did.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

As I've gotten older I wonder how I never picked up on when I get a haircut the stylist has a random bag of gray hair that they sprinkle on the cape as they cut your hair.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Pro tip, if you are watching TV with your wife (and mother of your kids), and a fit, attractive woman comes on, do not say "She looks like she doesn't have kids". That will set you up for a guaranteed night on the couch.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Pro tip, when you go to a Brazilian steakhouse, it's ok to flip your card to red when they bring meat to your table. That could help avoid having to pull over 10 miles down the road because you think you're going to throw up.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Pro tip, if you have to blow mud at a friend's house, check if there's toilet paper BEFORE you start. Otherwise you might wind up in their shower credit card swiping followed by a quick dry off with your shirt to avoid shame.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Dog farts are literally the worst. It's like I'm living in a house full of dudes that eat chilli and drink Busch Light all day.

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

Pro tip, if you are going to ask someone why they are on crutches you should probably check that they have both their legs first. Holy smokes

[Mike Anderson @MAnderson1730]

If you go to a bathroom at a restaurant and the door seems stuck and you hip check the door 4 times, after the 1st hip check, probably should realize it's locked. FML