Melissa Darch

Comedy Writer. Launchpad Feature Top 100 and AFF Second Rounder for BIRTH CONTROL. Aspiring American Ninja Warrior Commentator. When in doubt, it's my birthday.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

Repping @TheImprovShop in NYC with Dadvan on @improv4humans with @MattBesser and @LeonPhelps. I'm the woman. https://t.co/OKnR4GvLqZ

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

Finally ready for Soupy Season

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

@ask_aubry … is the baby the husband?

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

I love how in movies the astronauts can dock the ship in one try against one million to one odds but it takes me a minimum of eight tries to put in a contact.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

Just googled “when will it be warm again” so I’m doing GREAT.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

Waiting for a group of main characters in a zombie show to run into a group of survivors led by someone who “got pretty far” in Survivor and “knows how to live off the land.”

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

My most common thought when watching Instagram ads- “Sure, but why?”

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

What does everyone think of Cancel Me Elmo?

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

It is so inconvenient that we haven’t invented Teleportation.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

I grew up in the 90s in the Midwest so imagine my surprise moving to California where not EVERY person is a marine biologist.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

So so so excited to be represented on @Coverfly ‘s 2022 Best Unrepped writers list. Coverfly has opened so many doors for me and I’m honored to be among the other talented writers on the list. #2022listoflists

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

@HamRobotham Sincerely hoping you don’t get to a sudden death round.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

I wish there was a space for @jackblack in #WhiteLotus

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

Happy Halloween! Whatever that looks like for you - https://t.co/EjaW2ZHw1A

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

@RENAHUNDERT Your own backyard!

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

If you’ve just started a metal band and need a name, may I offer “Liveable Rage”?

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

@CatDurickas DID YOU???

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

@ryanlstewart I’m congratulations to you too!

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

As a new mom, I’ve made the brave decision to become addicted to caffeine.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

Made it to 40 weeks and for anyone that needs to hear this - today would be like such a great day to be born.

[Melissa Darch @MEDarch]

@iamRafeWilliams In my defense I am 90 weeks pregnant and you looked very busy. But - I am sorry.