MLBCels

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

God I miss when the Pirates bullpen was good

If I was a reliever I’d be Brandon Cumpton cause I also shoot tons of cum due to my crippling porn addiction

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

I jerk off during the Sausage Races cause those weiners make me feel so inadequate with my tiny baby dick and I get so angry I nut immediately

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Tried to fuck the Pringles can but as usual I can’t feel anything. My dick is way too small for it anyway. Maybe I’ll try one of those M&M mini tubes

The Giants offense is almost as disgusting as I am

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

How I feel walking around while uselesschudgoymaxxing today

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

I feel the same. I’m srsly struggling to date again especially while trying to watch all 162 Rockies games this year. I tried the apps but I’m batting like Jordan Beck on them

Never mind that im a fat unlovable Virgin who just made love to his mattress for the second time today

[kayla @kayla_rose4]

Looking for some genuine discourse, even tho it’s cringe. I’m srsly struggling to date again bc of my fear of being heartbroken. I really miss sharing life with someone & I long for all the milestones. But I’m scared to keep starting over & to be vulnerable again. Any wise words?

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Life is meaningless and I’m going to die alone and unloved

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Tried to play catch with my favorite player, Jesus Sanchez, today. Yeah he’s my favorite player cause I’m a weird little goblin chud. Anyway he turned around as I threw him my ball and I think I just ruined his season, along with getting banned from all MLB games for life

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Another Sunday alone at a minor league baseball game I promise you I’m lonely enough

[keaton🫍 @KeatonPotat0es]

it’s just wild to me that baseball twitter simultaneously blames this woman for a teams loss while also just being straight vile. men aren’t lonely enough.

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Dodgers-Phillies is on at the bar rn that’s pretty cool

Nobody is within 3 seats of me here, people would rather stand than be near me cause I’m so fucking repulsive.

Roki Sasaki is dealing tonight

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

*matt vasgersian voice*

here comes the windup, and the pitch, and ohhhh fuck im too scared to talk to her

santa maria

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Yeah man I’ve been Blubaugh’d by women so many times too I feel you

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

I’m what they call a 3 outcome hitter at the bar

Strikeout swinging, strikeout looking, and walks

Ask a girl out and get rejected? Strikeout swinging

Smile at a girl across the bar and get a look of disgust? Caught looking

Leave without even attempting to talk to a girl? Walk

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Just got ghosted by a chubby girl. This is like offering Rowdy Tellez a major league deal and getting turned down

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Sending a girl a DM on Instagram that she then posts on her private story like I’m Javy Baez swinging at pitches 2 feet out of the strike zone

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Finally pulled a girl last night at the bar and when we were on the way out I accidentally bumped into an elderly woman and told her to “suck my fucking dick bitch.”

This girl left me after that. I PCA’d a 99% catch probability fly ball

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

I was talking to a girl named Ashley one time, and her friend across the bar said “Stop talking to her. You are scarin’ ashley”

I said “Aaron Ashby?” and they scurried away. I had spent $49 on a shot of Don Julio 1942 for her.

Aaron Ashby had 2 strikeouts today.

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Told a woman I loved her and she said laughed and said “that’s cute”

Why the hell is Boone still hitting Trent Grisham leadoff he’s fucking terrible

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

I’m so pathetic in the bedroom that I made this woman switch sexualities like she’s fucking Rick Ankiel

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Hinge date promptly ended after she hated my classic Shota Imanaga impression
Time to jerk off into a sock again

[MLBCels @MLBCels]

Jeff the woman I love is being 3 pumped right now what should I do

[Jeff Passan @JeffPassan]

The three-pump rule. Hingle McCringleberry taught. It's on us all to listen.