Mario Kiefer

Author of the Ordinary series and "A Collection of Monkeys"

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

It’s like Mama always said:
The truth always comes out so you may as well tell your side now.
#MamaSaid
https://t.co/AEaHzSwPz4

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Self-important celebrities.
#PetPeeves
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[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

It’s a Dog’s Life . . .

DOG: It’s your fault that I am so competitive.
ME: What do you mean?
. . .

#DogsLife
https://t.co/qAnaV7ZLgU

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

I am outraged! Absolutely outraged!
My emotional service chicken was banned from the restaurant!
#Outrage
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[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.” — Dune, Frank Herbert
#FavoriteQuotes
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[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Nobody should have to sign into an app to change the temperature on their refrigerator.
#SundayTruth
https://t.co/UjO8aJcmcL

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession.
I have been hiding Roswell ET’s for a long time.
I will say 5 Hail Mary’s.
#Confession
https://t.co/8CQbMhO4df

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

“If you don’t stop crying, I will give you something to cry about.” — Mom
#FavoriteQuotes
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[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Being an asshole isn’t the virtue that some seem to think it is.
#SundayTruth
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[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

It’s like Mama always said:
If you want to be treated like an adult, don’t act like a child.
#MamaSaid
https://t.co/pFn1Zzo0W2

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

@Hania16836 MYOB

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession.
I told someone that they didn’t need to try so hard to prove Darwin right.
I will say 5 Hail Mary’s.
#Confession

https://t.co/QvZdSSgxq6

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter the words, but to live by them.” — John F. Kennedy
#FavoriteQuotes
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[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Just when I start to think that people cannot possibly be that stupid, they prove me wrong.
#PetPeeves
https://t.co/xd0vfOgLKW

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

It’s like Mama always said:
Careful where you eat. Many serve a load of crap and claim it’s five-star dining.
#MamaSaid
https://t.co/06DaoFF3D4

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Every . . . revolution rides . . . on a Trojan horse of "emergency". . . "emergency" became the justification of the subsequent steps. . . creating emergency is the greatest achievement that demagoguery attains. ~Herbert Hoover

#FavoriteQuotes
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[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Whenever I hear someone say, “I deserve it,” I have to ask, “Why? What did you do to earn it?”
You only deserve what you earn.

#SundayTruth
https://t.co/YiPD5lhqlx

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

I grow so weary of the complaints of the 99%. The 1% have problems too.
I was going to replace Maid with a new humanoid robot but Maid refused to plug it in!
“Save the Rich!” Please give to our cause.
#Oldgaydisabledhalfbreedprivilege

https://t.co/RV8DRTIt6k

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

It’s like Mama always said:
The dummy’s mouth may be moving, but you gotta see whose hand is up the politician’s ass if you wanna know who is doing the talking.
#SundayTruth
https://t.co/gxdnyclLAR

[Mario Kiefer @MMariokiefer]

Dear Business:
If you are so terribly busy that you cannot answer the phone, you must be too busy to accept my money. Is it really that hard to return a message?
#PetPeeves
https://t.co/O0PvYViXV8