Matt Passet

Producer for @LastWeekTonight w/ John Oliver. Statistician for John F. Kennedy High School Varsity Basketball Team 1997-1999.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Fuck them picks

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

I’m gonna try to find out how to buy Skechers basketball shoes.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

NBA putting out a great product this week.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Been seeing some really cool pics from outer space. Is this part of that Katy Perry thing?

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

“UConn Duke it.” - Rob Schneider

Remember when this kind of bad joke is what Twitter was for.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Hate to add to what’s already a rough week for Wilt Chamberlain, but I just had sex tonight with my 21,000th woman, shattering his record.

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

Most consecutive 20 point games:

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander: 127
Wilt Chamberlain: 126

Greatness

[Ben Stiller @BenStiller]

Hey White House, please remove the Tropic Thunder clip. We never gave you permission and have no interest in being a part of your propaganda machine. War is not a movie.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Rube Goldberg’s wife was probably always like “just pour the fucking cereal into the bowl!”

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

The punishment for being exposed as part of Jeffrey Epstein’s criminal sex trafficking circle shouldn’t be you have to step down from whatever cushy bullshit billionaire job you have at your dumb fucking corporation. It should be prison.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Whoa, look at President fucking Don Quixote over here.

[Aaron Rupar @atrupar]

Trump: "We've basically stopped all windmills in this country"

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

“Jeff Epstein the New York financier? I’m pretty sure if there was some news about Jeff Epstein, I would’ve heard.”

- Pam Bondi, today

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

This is the smallest of small points but Bawitdaba isn’t English either.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

More dignified than the president.

[Elmo @elmo]

That Bunny was AMAZING. Elmo thinks he should be called Good Bunny! Elmo loves you, Mr. Good Bunny! ❤️🎶🐰

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Congrats to @RonanFarrow for skating a great program today!

[L.A. Times Sports @latimessports]

Ilia Malinin powers U.S. to Olympic gold in team figure skating competition https://t.co/cgeYlTV2tv

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Saw new SpongeBob movie today. Here is my takeaway:

Scrubs is SpongeBob!

J.D. is SpongeBob, Turk is Patrick, Cox is Squidward, Kelso is Mr. Krabs, Elliot is Sandy.

The movie was good but was hard to focus on the plot when all I kept thinking was Scrubs is SpongeBob.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

I’m always thinking about Oz Pearlman’s mom just in case he ever comes at me with that “I know who you’re thinking of” bullshit.

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Am I crazy or does this blowfish kind of look like Trump?

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

I guess this op-ed is about personal liberties

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

This is a really cool name for a network. Because MS is shorthand for a debilitating autoimmune disease that is very sad, and this network name suggests that yes I want that disease, and I want it now!

[Pop Base @PopBase]

MSNBC is being rebranded to MS NOW.

The new acronym stands for ‘My Source (for) News, Opinions (and the) World.’

[Matt Passet @MPasset]

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Just hearing about this now. Call me baby! Did anybody say that yet? Am I still first? Call me baby! Like the song but with baby!

[Pop Crave @PopCrave]

🚨Carly Rae Jepsen announces she’s pregnant.