mackenzie horras

not here! find me everywhere else at @mackenziehorras

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

@redwavetracker Well this is horrifying!

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

@liz_churchill10 @ProudPatriot333 Interesting… I didn’t know they had AI-generated images in the ‘80s.

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

@Allure_magazine Do you mean it's been an *eventful* few weeks?

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

the term "family sized" should be outlawed. i am going to eat these peanut M&Ms by myself in one sitting, don't portion police me!

[WhoHaha @whohahadotcom]

When you returned from the dead but forgot to call @LARAdras @alysswilldiss @MackenzieHorras

Check out the sketch here: https://t.co/YC3M5Zsj1k

#EATOURSHORTS

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

the people who go to the gym on Friday nights are not to be f*cked with

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

who do I have to talk to to get "I Love That For You" renewed? retweet warriors, do your thing! @vanessabayer

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

Close second: Portia.

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

what's your favorite TV character name that is somehow used in every show but very few people have that name in real life? mine's Harper.

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

if you eat a whole box of Tic Tacs in one night does all that carnauba wax have an adverse effect or nah

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

i love checking in for my flight back home. Jet Blue’s email is like “are you ready for your Los Angeles adventure?” and I’m like “you mean being slaughtered by rent and confronting my broken dreams head-on? yeah def!”

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

calm down, GrubHub, I don’t need a yearly review of my delivery orders

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

pretty cool how humanity is about to send a person to Mars but we we still can't figure out how to make a printer that doesn't jam.

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

i miss the old days when Target was open until midnight and I could frolic about the empty store and disassociate in the laundry detergent aisle with total privacy, then return home in time to see the sun come up.

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

None of the islands are where you think they are. Aruba is basically just Venezuela. Bermuda is closer to Burlington, Vermont than it is to Miami.

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

Can someone please invent a stick of butter that doesn't go from "softened" to "melted" in 0.06 seconds?

[Dan Rather @DanRather]

I remember the old saying, “Better to be thought a fool than to buy Twitter and remove all doubt.”

[Eugene Mirman @EugeneMirman]

I know a lot about writing comedy, so I bought a giant, unprofitable shoe store. I fired many employees and decided to charge Stephen King $8 a month to come to my store. Things are going badly and I believe it is the fault of a left-leaning powerful clown in upstate NY.

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

@mediamandy Brilliant!

[mackenzie horras @MackenzieHorras]

What's spookier than a ghost story? A ghost-ed story! Especially when your definition of "being ghosted" is not exactly the norm 👻😂 With @jvanclief @katiebuderwitz & Mari Assad, directed by @jakedeantaylor

#HappyHalloween #ghoststories #comedysketch
https://t.co/jIG6ojXHIp