Madd Cord

Crawl down from there Alice!

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

I’ve taken to drinking a cold glass of milk after a long day.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

If my best friend has a best friend am I all alone in this world?

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

Why can’t I be the personality hire?

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

It is bad Halloween etiquette to not compliment someone’s costume when they have done it for you.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

I always park behind this car at work because their faded bumper sticker makes me laugh. Lil zombie fuckerz.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

@itsjesslonett Apparently!

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

I have eaten a kiwi every morning this week and I have to say that despite having two jobs, GI issues, and so much stress those lil kiwis be rocking my world right into a fit of smiles and giggles!

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

@FrannyHarold Que bueno! Estas hablando muy bien! Necesito practicar tambien

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

Just a friendly reminder that not everyone puts their issues/struggles/bad days on social media. Check on your quiet media friends. Make sure they are doing well too. 💙

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

For breakfast at my desk this morning I had a slice of banana bread, a handful of blueberries, and a small jar of milk. Omg am I just the cutest little story book bear ever or what?!

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

The other night in an improv show I was gifted the character of an Italian cowboy. So I talked in my regular voice and walked in my regular gate because I am in real life an Italian cowboy.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

@texasemma_ Hahahaha what a turn of events yesterday!

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

I’d like to become the first rodeo clown that doesn’t degrade women. I’d still respect the heck outta the sport but come up with something funnier than how I killed my ugly wife.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

@MiggityMikeG Yup your are correct and I thank you for it

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

Am I allowed to wear a cowboy hat with Vans? Asking for a friend.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

“Should I honk this daddy?” - me talking to my cousin about how much stem of a mushroom I should eat before a concert.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

Last night I severely rolled my ankle and fell to the floor from imitating the moves a zebra makes in the game Big Buck Hunter.
This is my life. My real ass life.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

@Timmy_the_Metz Tysm

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

People chatting in a group text and “hearting” each other’s replies. I get excited and chime in —- silence.

And now my day is ruined.

[Madd Cord @MaddCord]

Hanging at the park

Me: Look at my thumbs! One is smaller than the other because I sucked on it for 10 years.

My cousin: If only I knew I would have been sucking on my stomach.