mothmag

Putting the cry in cryptid. Not even Satan would make eye contact with me. Grandpa Joe hate account.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

It’s two in the morning and I’m feeding my baby, eating peanut butter cups, and watching street fights on YouTube. I love being a stay at home mom.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

Reeeeeeally sucks that I’m seven month pregnant and can’t even have a drink to celebrate.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

I had a customer tell me not to get my hopes up about the baby I’m currently carrying because “it could still die”. Wild shit.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

My only pregnancy craving is a dirty martini and a geek bar.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

It’s always the bitches having children out of wedlock that are always posting Christian ideals on the timeline.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

The internet is so wild. I can just look at pictures of my husband’s childhood home on Zillow.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

Mike Tyson is a boxer? I only know him from his vape brand.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

I swear if sheetz keeps getting rid of the things that I like I’ll have no other choice than to keep going there.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

Happy negative third wedding anniversary, mom and dad!

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

All of my personality traits that I blamed on being a ✨virgo✨ turned out to be undiagnosed ocd and autism. Love that for me.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

Shoot them both and start over.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

I always thought I was a reasonably normal person until I had to explain “plastic sock” to a doctor during a psychiatric exam today.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

Thank goodness my dogs took it upon themselves to skyrocket my anxiety. So sweet.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

They should train police horses to bite.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

The dog police are going to come to my house because I did the Jackass clipper prank on Goose 🙄

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

@bohrmagnezone Coming to you for all my medical advice now ❤️

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

When I was a little kid I used to think that my grandpa was Mexican. Which is crazy because no one else in our family is Mexican.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

I’m supposed to be giving a finance presentation to high schoolers this week. I’m not qualified for this. My amazon cart is full of throwing stars and novelty tee shirts.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

I’m worried that I’m slowly killing my husband with second hand vape smoke.

[mothmag @MaggotCrabbs]

I NEED my mother in law (4’6”) to meet my soon to be stepdad (6’8”) because I know they would look like a circus act standing beside each other.