I'm Such A Dick.

Girls are dumb, I'm here to tell you how.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

I like my women like I like my coffee. In my mouth.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Girls are so much more attractive when they don't have an opinion.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

I had my first gay experience. I did the dishes.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Halloween, an excuse for girls to not wear tampons for the day.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

I just gave my girlfriend an orgasm. I think she spit it out.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died. For beginners, she takes it up the ass now.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Oh, you just got a boob job? You should probably go ahead and show me.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

I don't get the point of lap dance clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with my wife.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Why do women try to talk about football? I mean, do you ever see me in the kitchen discussing dish washing strategies?

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend wants to suck your tits.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

I don't need a tank top to be a wife beater.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

A cop pulled me over and accused me of texting while driving. I couldn't believe it, I was way too drunk to be doing anything like that.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

So when Lil Wayne says "fuck these hoes" in his album he wins a Grammy. But when I do it, I get kicked out my son's basketball game.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

I must be so lucky, all the beautiful girls that message me when I sign into a free porn site are from my home town. What are the odds?

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Good credit is white people's version of swag.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Any girl can swallow but it takes a special kind of lady to gargle.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Sorry ladies! Pregnancy is not an excuse to be lazy in the kitchen.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the sky, fuck trees.

[I'm Such A Dick. @MaleAsshole]

My cock got caught in my zipper today. Or at least that's what I'm telling my girlfriend when she sees the teeth marks on it.