Mallory✨

if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

I hate using this app but I needed to tell someone that @Lesdoggg wrote one of the best autobiographies you’ll ever read. So funny, and fucking raw. You need this book. It’s so inspiring and interesting to me as an aspiring comedian. And listening to her read it is even better

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

“To impress a chick, helicopter dick” is all I can think about after seeing that Drake video �� @thelonelyisland

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Trust me, you’re dead loved ones want you to stop releasing balloons into the sky for them. Just because they’re dead doesn’t mean the turtles need to be too

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Republican women running for President make me laugh every time, girl they don’t want you 😂��

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Not the “American Idiots” having a problem with a punk bands political lyric change 😂

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

53 year old Sarah Silverman using “being too stoned” as an excuse for a shitty IG post like she’s 16, ma’am you’re a grown ass woman take more accountability for yourself damn.

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Everyone’s got their eagles gear on today, can’t be caught dead in red #Philadelphia #gobirds

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Someone put my phone number in for the Square Rewards at a bakery in Pittsburg and if I’m ever there I’m using all these bad boys, we’ve got like 5000 points racked up since last year 😂

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

My boyfriend: @ScottAukerman talked about this movie he liked so now I need to watch it
Me: I’m gonna need @ScottAukerman to watch Barbie so you’ll watch it with me and stop being a Ken 🙃

if @ScottAukerman told him to jump off a bridge I kind of think he would

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Loud motorcycle, tiny penis.

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Yesterday I was walking down the street and spotted a Mormon out of the corner of my eye, as I get closer he says “excuse me miss, would you like to come to church on Sunday?” I panic-replied “oh no sorry I have too many tattoos” and ran off

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

@rockabyebaby I’m gonna need a Miley Cyrus album soon. Sincerely, a nanny who has listen to you daily for the last 8 years.

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

The female cast of this seasons @AHSFX is the horror story.

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Enter For A Chance To Win A Pair Of Tickets To See John Mayer! https://t.co/IJYBlSVqE9

[Mattress Nerd @MattressNerd]

Sleep cool this summer with a new mattress!! Enter our giveaway to win a FREE DreamCloud Premier mattress: https://t.co/kSBR1okLCk
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#mattressgiveaway #dreamcloudmattress #dreamcloudmattressgiveaway #summermattressgiveaway

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Hope my ex realizes he’s a Jonah Hill type 😂

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Listen to @MammothWVH Radio on the FREE iHeartRadio App for your chance to win a trip to see them on tour! https://t.co/YVSN7GfZS3

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Taylor Swift and Matty Healy are playing y’all like a fiddle “she looked so sad after their break up”
They “dated” for three weeks. She’s not sad, she’s calculated.

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

“Why would anyone want to be a teacher?”
Sir, you pack boxes for Amazon

[Mallory✨ @Mallory_Leonard]

Everything @quintabrunson does for @AbbottElemABC is perfect, Mural Arts in an episode, so great