Malorie Bryant

Comedian

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

When autocorrect goes “Greta,” I’m like really?! When have I ever meant Greta Clip… never once in the whole of my iphone life… not even my Nokia life. Be better.

[Gemini @Gemini]

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[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

I can tell I’m getting older, because I use to get excited for a new nightclub… now the only grand opening that makes me wet is Wegmans.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

When I see Gen Z wearing low rise jeans— I think soon you’ll realize, the first step to saving our environment… whale tails belong in the ocean not on land.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

My man just texted me, “what’s my rising sign again?” He’s well trained.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

I can tell I’m evolving because I went to karaoke with some “normals.” And I didn’t even sing?! I was like, it’s your birthday, have the mic… I don’t need to “Rain On Your Parade” with my amazing voice. But tomorrow… all bets are off.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

Cold days remind me of the first time I heard a NYC radiator. I thought my apartment was under attack, by the broadway musical, Stomp.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

You ever look at your bank account and think… “Yikes, I should have slept my way to the top.”

[Carmen Lagala @CarmenLagala]

Spare me those boringass lists of industry-groomed "up-and-comers" under 25 and give me the rundown on my grizzled, vibrantly bitter 40+ fucks

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

You ever try so hard to find your true self... you give up and settle for a participation trophy.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

I love above-ground trains bc you can peep into people’s apartments. If you don’t LOOK.... you’re the weird one. Above-ground trains, justify being creepy.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

I wish I was good at improv. But the truth is only 1% of improv is good. And the other, 99% really need UBI not UBC.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

I once believed in myself so much... when I lost my job, instead of joining LinkedIn, I joined an improv team. Yes and—improv will fix my bank account.

[Chairman @WSBChairman]

Dogeday on 4/20

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

Meditation is like parenthood, it takes copious amounts of time, your job is never done, and people judge you if you don’t do it.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

My man writes jokes with me, and when I don’t use his punchline—He decorates the apartment with Post-It’s... “Say the joke like I told you or I’ll kill you.” #truelove

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

@GianmarcoSoresi 😂😂👏👏

[Tim Dillon @TimJDillon]

This is the crap Hollywood is throwing at us now. I can’t fucking believe this.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

I vow to never have kids, because I was born with “stage mom” energy. In 4th grade, I got detention for forcing my friends to rehearse at recess— I was ruthless, a dictator, miniature Joe Jackson.

[Malorie Bryant @MalorieBryant]

“Bulletproof Wrists Exercises: great for fighters, lifting weights, even Crossfit.” I’m here, because my thumbs need support for more screen time.