Chris Fernandez

Editor | Storyteller | Surgeon General 💻📺 Avid/Premiere | 🏆🏆🏆Emmy 🏆Clio | Pretty Cool Dad | ❤️‍🩹 | @EmersonCollege '98 |

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

And if you still insist on clinging to the narrative that dismisses personal accountability while offloading 100% of the blame onto the one that was cheated on, lied to and stolen from, then this is all I have to say to you.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

There was a long period of time after I discovered my ex-wife’s infidelity where I’d spiral into an unbreakable cycle of self-blame & self-loathing. And it would inevitably have been triggered by hearing or seeing an insinuation that the demise of our marriage was 100% my fault.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

Now, for the first time in far too long, I trust myself instead. I know my heart. I know the depths of my love, and the lengths to which I went to show my love over and over again. I was there too. I was human, as we all are. But I was - I AM - a good man. A real man.

Trust me.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

Yes, I’m feeling this very strongly these days. I feel like it is the expulsion of parasites in my system. The last gasp of bitterness and resentment, but instead of being fueled by self-loathing it is instead brought on by the realization that I deserved better.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

So, when the spiral starts spinning me in circles now, I fight back. I remind myself that I no longer need to trust the accusatory words of someone who violated the trust & sanctity of marriage in such a callous & cowardly way. She lied, cheated & stole from me. She ceded trust.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

Everyone deserves to feel seen and heard. But everybody also deserves to be treated with respect and decency when the one they love decides they no longer love them. And that is why there are no bedtime stories that she can tell that will make her actions justified.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

It’s a hard pill to swallow, the one that whispers, “you hurt someone you love by betraying your values, morals & vows, all in pursuit of feeling validated.” So instead, she had to believe the lies she told herself. And she did. Because she was the only one she trusted.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

And it was. I remember it a lot more clearly now. We were both there the whole time. We both had things at which we needed to be better. But only one of us refused to look inward. Only one of us looked for comfort in the bed of another instead of seeking mutual repair. Only one.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

Which is exactly why she had to tell that story loudly and consistently… so she would believe it. Because otherwise, choosing not to effectively communicate issues that were existential to her marriage and then engaging in a secret affair with her Boss would be a moral failing.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

The real truth of it all, in the clear light of day, is that the issues that were such terrible burdens on her were a result of her inability to trust anyone but herself. And the irony there? She trusted lies that she told herself.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

All of which is a convenient untruth.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

This down-the-nose view of the man to whom she chose to make eternal vows is inevitably going to lead to her opinion that she carries the entire weight of the relationship on her shoulders. Because she doesn’t believe that he is capable of carrying any of it. And she never did.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

And more damning, it is a clear indication of how she views her husband. She doesn’t view him as a potentially equal partner who isn’t pulling his weight. Instead, she views him as a child who she cannot trust with adult responsibility. Judgement issued without rebuttal.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

Complaining about an unbalanced emotional load while never loosening her grip on the very things that are supposedly causing the overload… that isn’t stress management. That is avoidance of uncomfortable conversation, and an unspoken desire to retain victim status leverage.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

A real man communicates.

But you know what is equally true?

A real WOMAN communicates, too.

Crying privately for years over things that bother her, but only choosing to voice those concerns after a few glasses of wine once every 6 to 12 months is not healthy communication.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

No, a real man is one who shows up for his wife, loves her unconditionally, supports her, gives her comfort & encouragement, never undermines her publicly or privately. A real man is slow to anger. He listens. Tries to understand. Makes mistakes and takes accountability for them.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

Was I a failure as a man? This was the hardest one to crack. Who gets to judge my manhood? What is a man? Did I bluster and dominate, intimidate and threaten? No. But those aren’t indicators of manhood. They ARE indicators of insecure assholes, though.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

Could I have been more attentive to her day-to-day needs? Absolutely. I was guilty of getting lost in the noise of responsibilities & stress. Could I have taken on more of the mental load? Perhaps. But that would have required her to trust me as a man, loosen her grip and let go.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

The fog, as fog always does, lifted. And in the clear light of healthy perspective, the absurdity of her justification for adultery and abandonment of her vows was nothing more than a convenient story that she told herself to avoid facing the reality of her own issues.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

But I was wrong.

[Chris Fernandez @ManInHat]

I believed this because I always believed HER. I loved her. She loved me. If she said it, it was because it must have been true, because why would she lie about things like that? And so I accepted her version of the narrative. I was the emotionaly stunted, undeserving husband.