Marc Embree

The wood man at Home Depot San Diego

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

For 2019, I hope … I do not become ill. I always feel ill, and I just want it to stop! #HappyNewYear #2019Hopes

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

It is nearly Christmas time again and I begin to reflect on how utterly alone I am. My apartment has a big hole in it and there’s spiders and bats in my bed. My minimum wage job does not afford me to hire an exterminator.

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

Darn! Daylight Savings ended during my shift and they refused to pay me the extra hour!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

My boss told me if the Red Sox sweep the Series, I get to sweep out the back storage room! It’s full of rat droppings!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

My DNA results are in, and it looks like I’m 0.000000001% cardboard box! Now I’ll have to rethink breaking down my brothers and hurtling then into a dumpster at the end of my shift!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

Ow! Daniel stapled his hands to the ceiling fan with an industrial stapler this morning. I had to cut the fan from the mount and it was a whole process. @HomeDepot

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

Someone’s service dog got loose in the store and bit Damien’s rear end! Now he has rabies!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

It’s a great feeling when you stack all the oak planks 30 feet high and they don’t fall over and kill anybody. #HomeDepot

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

I AM SO PROUD.

https://t.co/XOwbPtVzwo

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

.@DevReXiel If I use REBIRTH to grow up, do I spend my 500 SPEED?

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

The doctor told me that tetanus is NOT French for “butthead.” It’s actually a serious medical condition that I’ve recently contracted. Time for the deoxidation chamber!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

I fell into the public pool and landed on a nail! It was uneventful.

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

Happy father’s day to a big pile of leaves, because that is the only thing to embrace me on cold windy days as a child. #FathersDay

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary
It was a sad day. The day I got hit in the face by a cash register drawer and had to have emergency reconstructive surgery to ensure my eyeballs did not melt out of their sockets. Now I am well!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

My doctor told me I am still 19% prepubescent. The guys in the tools aisle will never let me live this down.

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

I crashed the forklift into the delivery truck! Oh gosh, what a mess!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

Every Mother’s Day, my long lost mother Pamela sends me a small piece to a map which will eventually lead me to her exact location. I cannot wait to see her some day and give her a big hug!

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a while! I was in a coma after a cinderblock fell on my head! Owwy! #homedepot #pain

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

My favorite way to relax is to sit down on the display toilet with a box of mixed up screws and nails, and trying to separate them.

[Marc Embree @MarcEmbree]

I fell in a bin of old nails :(