BooksAndGlitter

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

Heard a car that was squeaking so loudly and persistently that I’m pretty sure the cicadas envied it’s suave moves #EntomologistFive #GameRecognizeGame
#humor #scrubs #TheTodd https://t.co/Y16Ze2ZmHh

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

Me: !!! I’d better eat this fresh mozzarella before it goes bad!!

Me after a hasty bite: ...

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

@netflix Dude.. It’s fine to end a show when you’re done with the story.

But what you’ve been doing is making me not want to get into any more of your shows for fear that you’ll drop them unfinished for no reason. #AlteredCarbon #Lucifer #SantaClaritaDiet

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

@RevChrisLee hello! Have you seen Lucifer on Netflix yet? You guys should marathon it and do a reaction video. It’s a great show, I wish Lucifer in the show was my best friend in real life

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

@realDonaldTrump Follow the CDC’s advice and handle this virus. You’ll definitely lose at the polls if all your supporters die. #WarTimePresidentFail #GetItTogether

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

@jjabrams yeah, my husband and I loved it! It was beautiful, action packed and has a great story, so you guys all did a great job. Don’t only listen to the ones putting it down. They may be loud but they’re not everyone!

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

.@SenRubioPress: Reproductive health care is popular. Bullying providers is not. You still have time to protect my health care and Title X. I am counting on you to be a champion for reproductive health care for me and millions of Title X patients. #ProtectX #ThxBirthControl

[ally @missmayn]

My only takeaway from using gender neutral bathrooms is wondering do men just straight up piss on the floor?

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I'm going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can't. It's Lent.

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

@mint Suggestion! You should add a savings section to your catergories that has a positive impact on your budget in some way :3 Have it show that you’re not spending but saving

[Lindsay @Rollinintheseat]

I use a wheelchair. When I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say "My legs."

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: What are you doing?

7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.

Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.

7: I know.

Passive aggressive level 9000.

[BooksAndGlitter @Maria103163]

*Pulls water filter pitcher out of fridge*
Me @ No one in particular: ...Wow, I’m so thirsty. I’m so glad I have this teaspoon of water available for me to drink.
*the world burns away in my wrath*
#FirstWorldProblems

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

7-year-old: Do you have a podcast?

Me: Do you even know what a podcast is?

7: It's that thing where you talk to yourself and no one listens.

She knows exactly what a podcast is.

[Lindsay @Rollinintheseat]

Reset Password

'DannyDevito'

Your password is too short

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: What's 10 plus 10?

5-year-old: Do your own math.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

5-year-old: I want to drive a train.

Me: Good plan.

5: A party train.

Me: An even better plan.

5: With kittens.

Me: Take my money now.

[Lindsay @Rollinintheseat]

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

"Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

My 1-year-old said her first ever complex sentence:

"I don't want to wear pants."

She used it wisely.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

I sent my wife a text.

Her typing bubble popped up for 10 minutes.

All she sent me was "K."

I'm as good as dead.