Golfist

Barrister who wishes he was a pro golfer...(but falls a tad short on technical ability...thus far!)

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@geocon1713 Where are you? Looks top drawer

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic this made me titter

[🇨🇭🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇨🇭© @InsideLucysHead]

Retiring from the British Army can be complicated...

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.

The letter read:

“Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,

We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366.

Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.

Yours sincerely,

Army Paymaster”

Col Maclaren replied:

“Dear Paymaster,

Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.

I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.

By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6,427,586,619.47p.

I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.

Yours sincerely,

Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col Maclaren’s letter box, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,

We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst.

We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month.

We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6,427,586,619.47p.

However,

We also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles:

*The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton)

*The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland)

*The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War)

*The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade)

*The Boer War (1899 -1902).

We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:

*9765 Cannon
*26,785 Swords
*12,889 Pikes
*127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
*28,987 horses (fully kitted)

Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.

We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p.

WE have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.

Yours sincerely . . . .”

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@omgsidewalks Mabel

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@geocon1713 Apple crumble overspill I reckon

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@EshaAA33 All 20

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic 🤣

[steve @bagshaw2112]

Made me smile . A friend just sent me this

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines eight years ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance seven years ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers eleven years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock nine years ago, you would have nothing today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average person walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, we get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be a piss head.🍻😂

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic old but gold

[Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

Last night I went out for a few drinks and a meal. One thing led to another—I had a few too many beers, moved on to wine, and topped it all off with coffee and brandy.

Not a great idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I made the smart decision to leave my Harley behind and take a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers for breathalyzer tests. Since I was on a bus, they just waved me through.

I made it home safely and without incident, which really surprised me, because I’ve never driven a bus before.

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@AmericaFirsst @RightPulseNewss All of them

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@RightPulseNewss 👍👌👏

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@David_Suchet Hope you’re having a great day

[Kelvin MacKenzie @kelvmackenzie]

Grateful to Times columnist Giles Coren for putting to the sword a local council pipsqueak for trying to put out of business a restaurant in the middle of nowhere where owner Ruth Hanson does all the kitchen prep herself, the washing up, the bookings, the till, payroll and then cooks it.
The restaurant is called Hansom in Bedale, North Yorkshire. To give you an idea of its remoteness it’s 7 miles from Northallerton and 31 miles from York.
So, on occasions, her husband Mark, who had a job of his own, gives up his evenings to chauffeur some guests to and from their homes.
Coren points out when he reviewed the place last year ( he gave it a glowing recommendation) he had to hitchhike from Northallerton station.
No Bedale train, no metro, no Uber hanging around at the corner.
Enter Chris Doyle, licensing enforcement officer for N Yorkshire council, who has written to Ruth saying in his view Mark was operating a taxi service and that would require a raft of expensive and time consuming licences.
Ruth responded that Mark was her husband, he was unpaid and there was no separate charge for the journey.
Doyle said he didn’t care as there was deemed to be a commercial benefit and warned without a licence the council may take legal action.
Coren has a great last paragraph; “ Yeah, you sue her, you absolute local heroes.
“ You teach Ruth and Mark a lesson for being great at their jobs, for treasuring their customers, for trying to create a little joy and make ends meet in a collapsing world.”
PS Thought you’d like to see what a Ruth menus looks like. This is called the Sunday Sharing Feast.
Starters.
Smoked Leek and Pickled Croque
Monsieur
Whitby Crab Crumpet Pickled cucumber, Garden herbs.
Heritage beetroot, whipped goat’s Curd, Wild Garlic emulsion.
Main Course
Wensleydale chicken, Apricot and sage Wellington.
Honey and mustard mash, buttered spring , cider sauce.
Dessert
Yorkshire rhubarb and ginger trifle.
Cost; £55.
With publicity thanks to Coren’s column and this tweet I suspect the queue will be out the door and Mark can have his evenings off again.

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic worth a listen

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic genius

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic Never spotted that, then again I was slightly distracted

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic 😳

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic now that’s a proper F1 exhaust note https://t.co/x77zR9nwBj

[Shooter McGavin @ShooterMcGavin]

BREAKING: PGA Tour announces welcome back party for LIV players tonight on the 9th green at 9pm. Players have also been advised to dress nice for the occasion.

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic proper funny

[Golfist @MarkEMonaghan]

@publogic love this

[The Figen @TheFigen_]

This woman tried to hold a parking spot and assumed the guy had given up when he stopped his car – only for the self-driving feature to finish the job. 😂😂