David Mas-Something

No one could say or spell my last name, so I shortened it. I tell jokes, podcast and drink way too much caffeine.

[David Mas-Something @MasStandup]

I wish there was a catnip for humans & by that I mean, something that was available in all fifty states for a cost of $10 or less.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

“FUCK IT’S REALLY GOOD” - Most Kanye Albums & EVERY plate of pasta #Kanye #DONDA

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

IBS stands for ITTY BITTY SHITS, right?

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

“I’m into Pegging” - Al Bundy

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Anyone else look at their laundry and think “Should I jus throw this away”?

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Things I do in the shower ranked:
1. Sing
2. Cry
3. Drink
4. Clean my body

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

“Wow, I can do anything” - Anyone watching Elon host SNL last night.

[David Mas-Something @MasStandup]

How is BAR BAR DRINKS not a STAR WARS themed pub? #MayThe4thBeWithYou #StarWars

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Vin Diesel in Guardians of the Galaxy:
I AM GROOT!

Vin Diesel in Fast & the Furious:
I AM VROOM!

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

SPECIAL K cereal seems to be marketed to white suburban women. Does that mean it’s short for SPECIAL KAREN?

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

“Comedy is Back!”

Comedy = My Anxiety
Back = Never Left

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Today is a somber reminder that no player from the first puppy bowl is still alive. #SuperBowl

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Music Streaming Ranked:
5. Amazon Music
4. Tidal
3. Apple Music
2. Spotify
1. Radio playing outside my neighborhood taqueria.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

I bet Donald Trump watches IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE & thinks there should be more Mr. Potter scenes.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

$600 is what a rich relative leaves you in their will because it’s cheaper than writing you out of the will completely.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

One time in college, my communications teacher yelled at me for talking.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

FUN FACT: The first draft of AFTERNOON DELIGHT was called SEX AT 11:30AM.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Most of my old family photos are poorly lit, because my parents/grandparents thought that using the flash was too "fancy".

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

My hair is entering FARQUAAD territory.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Just passed by the living room mirror with a snack in my mouth & said “Not today, Satan!”

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Finding the right health insurance is so confusing.