Matt Ellis

Just an old fashioned witch. you have been warned. Tweets/Retweets are just for fun! Violators will be transmogrified. Walking myself back to fitness. #nhs100k

[sophia luisa @sophialuisa1121]

@SamaHoole Your story made me laugh. It reminded me of this little gem.

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert...

The government said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.    

Then the government said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.    

Then the government said, "How will we know the night   watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.    

Then the government said, "How are these people going to get paid?" 

So they created the following positions: a timekeeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people.    

Then the government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.    

Then the government said, "We have had this project in operation for one year, and we are £18,000 over budget; we must cut back overall costs."    

So they laid off the night watchman.

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@watergypsi Age is a gift denied to many

[Sama Hoole @SamaHoole]

The Great Orme is a limestone headland on the North Wales coast, and it comes with roughly two hundred feral Kashmir goats that answer to absolutely no one.

These are not ordinary goats. Their ancestors were luxury animals, descended from the royal cashmere herd kept at Windsor in Victoria's day. A pair were brought west by Lord Mostyn in the late 1800s, released onto the Orme for a spot of refined grazing, and promptly threw off all civilisation to live as wild aristocrats on a windy rock. They have been up there, magnificently unbothered, for well over a century.

The goats have no view on their own noble lineage. They have strong views on gorse, on limestone scrub, on the timing of the tourist season, and on the structural integrity of every garden fence in Llandudno.

Several times a year, usually when the weather up top turns unacceptable even by Kashmir goat standards, they descend. Into the town. They eat the hedges. They annex the gardens. They stand in the middle of the road with the air of creatures conducting a property viewing. They have been photographed in bus shelters and lounging outside estate agents, radiating the serene confidence of animals that were here before the terraced housing and fully intend to outlast it.

Llandudno has around twenty thousand residents and two hundred goats, and on any given morning it is genuinely unclear which party considers the other a nuisance.

The council's great instrument of control is to put the nannies discreetly on contraceptives and otherwise pretend it has a say.

The goats have never once asked permission. They are descended from royalty, they were here first, and they would like you to remember both.

[cinesthetic. @TheCinesthetic]

John Cleese’s reply to a 14-year-old fan asking if there was a fan club he could join is exactly as delightfully absurd as you’d expect.

[Larry the Cat @Number10cat]

If rumours are to be believed I'll be living with a seventh different Prime Minister shortly. If it carries on like this I'm going to stop making the effort to learn their names.

[Out of Context Human Race @NoContextHumans]

The 4 km-long stretch of river in the city of Yanagawa, Japan is ideal for a relaxing time on a donko boat.

And sometimes the boatmen can show off their skills in a somewhat theatrical way.

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Eman5695 Dawn Run

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

I agree with Mr Seiler

[Richard Seiler @richardseiler]

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦

Jeremy Clarkson has never pretended to be anything other than exactly what he is

Brutally honest. No oil painting. A pot belly, a lifelong smoker, a drinker. Not exactly the modern alpha male or is he?

And somehow that is the whole point

I have watched him for most of my life
First as a motoring journalist who could make you want a car you would never own and never need
Then as something bigger
The loudest, funniest, most unfiltered mouthpiece the ordinary person ever had
A man who said the thing everyone was thinking while the rest of television tiptoed around it

From Top Gear he built something that should not have worked
Three middle aged men, The Stig, a track and a chemistry you cannot manufacture
James May the patient one
Richard Hammond the brave one
And Clarkson the force of nature dragging both of them into chaos and somehow back out again

When it all fell apart at the BBC he could have disappeared
The fracas was not his finest hour and he never pretended it was
He owned it, apologized and carried on
No reinvention, no groveling tour, no carefully managed comeback
He just kept being himself and let the work speak

The move to Amazon and The Grand Tour proved something I think a lot of people missed
The format was never the magic
The men were
You can take three friends out of a studio and drop them anywhere on earth and the loyalty between them travels with them

But it is Clarkson's Farm where the whole picture finally comes into focus

Here is a man with nothing left to prove walking into a field he barely understands and refusing to fake competence he does not have
He has run that farm at break even and then at an outright loss in full public view
No editing it into a success story
No pretending the numbers work when they do not
His farm manager hands him one brutal truth after another and he sits there and takes it

A whole season swallowed by drought even after he leaned into robotics and the most advanced farming money could buy
Technology was supposed to be the answer and the weather did not care
He showed that too
Most people would have cut it

And through all of it he has done something quietly remarkable
He has dragged the plight of the British farmer into the light
The paperwork, the council, the margins that vanish, the weather that ruins a year of work in a week
People who had never thought about where their food comes from suddenly cared because he made them care

And then there is the part nobody warned me about
Men who raise animals for meat and still love them
Who name them, worry about them, sit with them
Who treat them with respect and dignity right up to the moment they cannot keep them
And feel the full weight of sending them off

He does not hide that
He lets the camera sit in the discomfort of it
The grief of a man who knows the deal he made and still finds it hard

That is not weakness
That is honesty most people are far too afraid to show

We live in an age that rewards the polished, the curated, the carefully built personal brand
And here is a scruffy, swearing, chain smoking farmer who has done the opposite of all of it and won
He stayed exactly who he was while the world begged him to become a product

That is the whole secret
There is no act
There never was

And that is exactly why we keep watching

Praying for a full recovery mate, looking forward to another season of Clarkson's Farms!

[Claire Phelan @ClairePh1975]

Afternoon all x

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while laughing at the German man right to his face.

The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.

The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, "what's so funny?"

The German man says, "I just realised that you came here for the food."

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Rozzah_2210 Andrew

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Wthmoni I’ll leave it there

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Wthmoni Boot

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Wthmoni Toot

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Wthmoni Loot

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Cheeseo76847269 And I thought some Americans on Threads were a bit bonkers!

[Matt Ellis @MattEllis777]

@Moonaylin5jo 15

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

'Well, says the boss, 'If I hire you guys, you have to promise not to eat any of our staff.'

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”

The cannibals swear that they are innocent.

The boss believes them and leaves the office, and they all turn to their leader.

“You idiots!” he screams. “Who ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.

“You fool!” shouts the leader.

"For weeks we've been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers and human resource staff, and then you go and eat someone they'll actually miss!"

[Sama Hoole @SamaHoole]

Keith's week, as reconstructed from Dave's log, Steve's three formal complaints, and Dave's cousin's text message asking if everything was alright.

Monday: Keith was on the barn roof at 6am. Keith has now been on the barn roof for eleven consecutive days. Dave has stopped trying to remove Keith from the barn roof. Dave has started checking the structural integrity of the barn roof instead. The barn roof is fine. The insurance company has been told the barn roof is fine. The insurance company has not been told about Keith.

Tuesday: Keith came down from the barn roof voluntarily at 11am. Dave noted this was the first voluntary descent since day one. Keith walked to the north gate, assessed it for six minutes, and went back to the barn roof. Dave's log: "Day eleven. He came down. He looked at the gate. He went back up. I don't know what that means but I'm going to find out by Wednesday."

Wednesday: Keith was not on the barn roof. Keith was in Steve's garden. Dave's log: "The gate. It was the gate. He'd assessed it on Tuesday and came down Wednesday morning and just walked through it. Third version. Three bolts. He opened the third bolt first. I watched from the window. He opened it like he'd done it a hundred times. He went to Steve's. He was in Steve's bindweed for nine minutes." Steve's complaint was filed at 9:47am. It was complaint number twenty-three.

Thursday: Keith ate eleven metres of bramble on the south bank. Dave's net outcome column: tick.

Friday: Keith was on the barn roof again. He appeared to be reconsidering something. Margot's owner rang to say she'll be bringing Margot back for a fortnight while she had more building work done. Dave looked at the phone. Dave looked at the barn roof. Dave wrote in his log: "Two of them. Two weeks. God help us."

Saturday - Sunday: Steve fixed his fence. Steve added a new latch. Dave's log, Sunday evening: "Keith looked at Steve's new latch for twenty-two minutes this afternoon. He then walked away. He looked satisfied. He went to graze. I have no idea what this means. I'm adding a column."

The column is labelled: "Pre-assessment period."

The column already has an entry.