Matt Fleury 🐜

Self consciously arrogant

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

I'm 100% okay with owning a rec vehicle (i.e. boat, golf cart, R.V.) that someone was murdered in, if it means I buy at a discount.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

"it's really embarrassing that you saw that"
- Me to my cat

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

I blink and suddenly I've been listening to Sean Kingston for an hour and a half

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

How many fortune cookies can I binge eat before I disrupt this timeline?

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

@sundayjeff and you used to read pennies. smdh

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

The fact that donuts are considered a breakfast food is proof that humans can truly convince themselves of anything.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

@realDonaldTrump

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

@Liz_Cheney Every response of yours is more nonsensical than the last.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

Lol @realDonaldTrump looks like a proud dog that just took a dump on the carpet during an applause break.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

When is @BobSMueller gonna bust in and punk @realDonaldTrump

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

HAHAHAHA I THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING A @nbcsnl RERUN BUT IT WAS @realDonaldTrump GIVING THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

Hey @netflix I need me some @ToddGlass ! Statistically, every day my odds increase of getting hit and killed by a random car. What if that happens before I get to see Todd's new special? #releaseitearly Also, I am much more likely to watch/recommend if he gets billboard.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

@ATT How about you help give of the benefit of a open internet for all of us like we deserve.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

@FedEx why can I pick up my packages directly from @UPS if I need them sooner, but need to wait from 8am-8pm for you to deliver it?

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

@JessRMcKenna "I chu-chu-choose that musical over and over again" HAHAHAHAHA

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

Don't tell breakfast, but I'm having an affair with lunch.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

@Lolucy16 Even the forest floor grows flowers.

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

After some research, it looks like none. https://t.co/eaZvMHrxAv

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

If I requested money from all of my Facebook friends, how many would actually pay up?

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

If I requested money from all of my Facebook friends, how many would actually pay up?

[Matt Fleury 🐜 @MattFleury]

What

if

the

Internet

was

so

slow

it

loaded

one

word

at

a

time?

Defend #NetNeutrality https://t.co/EgbyF20VVg