Matt Mears

Just dad jokes really. Hit and miss

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

The trees have been calling out to me: "Matt, when will you start doing dad jokes again". So I'm back, by poplar demand

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Gary Barlow unfollowed me. Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

@pandaget @aberdeenuni Amazing news, congratulations!

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Did you hear about the dinosaur who went on tinder? He was carbon dating

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Did you hear about that mathematician training to become a knight? He couldn't find the right squire route

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

I met an artist today, she was painting a mural on the side of a building. I said I can't understand why you're doing that, she said to look at the big picture

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

I'm on the run from the police for stealing inflatables. I've gotta lilo

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Apparently Jesus wasn't actually nailed to the cross. It's a cruci-fiction

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

A dead Lancashire hotpot has been found. Police are still establishing a cause of death but it's a suspected stewicide

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Scientists have been studying the world turning. But after 24 hours they got bored and called it a day

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

A glass man tried to lie to me the other day. I saw right through him

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Drives me mad when some people go on and on not using their brakes. They don't know when to stop

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Sometimes I feel like an all-powerful fish. I have a cod complex

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

There was a man here earlier without his right arm and leg. He's left.

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

No such thing as a bad beaver. All dam good

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

I could have ridden the worlds first woollen boat. Unfortunately that sheep has sailed

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

An English shepherd, a Welsh shepherd and a Scottish shepherd walk into a baaaaaaaaaaaaa

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Jeans are way too expensive. Think it's because of all the levies

[Matt Mears @MattMears6]

Of all the professional wrestlers, the one I'd least like to share a motorway with would be the undertaker