Matt The Medic

America's Paramedic. Traveler. Drinker. USMC Combat Vet. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, and neither do you. Hilarity ensues.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

Paramedics should be allowed to go back to people's houses and say "Remember when I saved your life? Yeah. I need help moving a couch."

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

BREAKING NEWS: President to wrestle 2 women at White House UFC 250

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

Had a couple beers with a Medic I used to manage.
It’s so great to see how far he has come in his personal and professional life.

Then his fiancé showed up

“Matt, meet Carlin.”

Me: Like the comedian?!

Her: What? It’s Carlynn.

Me: Nevermind. I thought your parents were cool

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

Watching Ghostbusters with my toddler today. Turns out this guy is called the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Stay Puft.

Written right there on his hat.

But that didn’t stop me from confidently saying “State Puff Marshmallow Man” for the last 40 years.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

The mostly silence of your
conservative friends, on social media, about the execution of Alex Pretti is hinging upon the late night Fox News opinion shows to tell them what to think.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

It’s wild that the DHS argument for killing an American Citizen is pretty much
Ned & Jimbo v. South Park, Colorado (1997)
Wherein you can kill anything provided you yell “It’s coming right for us!”

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

“There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and caroling out in the snow!”

We’re pretty busy…

“THERE’LL BE SCARY GHOST STORIES AND TALES OF THE GLORIES OF CHRISTMASES LONG, LONG AGO!”

Back up. Ghost stories? For Christmas?

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

Last student loan payment.
I overpaid them 50¢.
Then turned off electronic notifications.
I know it’s petty, but I will let them physically send mail to notify me of the credit on my balance for the next 20 years.

[Rick Wilson @TheRickWilson]

If Trump were President, there's no way Russia would attack Poland.

[Paul Myers @pulmyears]

My new book is out on October 7. Small book tour coming soon.
Oh and, among other advance readers, @marcmaron had some kind words for it. Wow!

[Brad @BraddrofliT]

For first time ever
(28 years)

Fox News just removed the stock market ticker from their broadcasts.

“Let’s not show them facts”

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

All of this is a result of @history channel deciding ice road trucker picker men reality TV was more important than day after day playing a constant stream of reminders of Hitler’s playbook.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

@elonmusk Hey dipshit, you are not in charge.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

Turned 42 today. Reflected on it being 21 years ago that I turned 21. I have very few memories of going out drinking on that night many years ago.

I’m so embarrassed by my behavior back then.

I should have gone harder.
Punched cop.
Shit in a storm drain.
I didn’t lean in.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

Call me crazy, but I think every person selected for a cabinet level position should, at a minimum, have the same vetting as new US military service members.

Strip naked. Duck walk.
And lastly a very, very old doctor should shine a flashlight on their butthole.

[Carl Quintanilla @carlquintanilla]

8th anniversary of this tweet: (2016)

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

1400 Saturday, we arrived there with supplies to drop off. Person in charge was a teacher at the school who politely asked we take it elsewhere. Or wait 3hrs to unloaded. She said she had no affiliation. She just needed volunteers to help sort and deliver the things.

[Mike VonSteuben @MikeVonsteuben]

I reported the incident to the church leadership and they were stunned. The pastor's wife told me that something similar happened today at the Mitchell High School, where American Red Cross workers arrived, kicked out all the volunteers and took the supplies to "inventory" them.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

@kelly_carlin Out of curiosity what was the final outcome of this?

Thankfully not having to deal with my be-flanneled late father showing up in anything except an occasional Chrysler commercial from the plant in New Castle, Indiana in the 80’ or 90’s.

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

Hey @FanDuel,
Where do I go to bet that Joe Biden will say “Fuck around and find out.” at the debate Thursday?

[Matt The Medic @MattTheMedic]

@kelly_carlin He’s great! I’ll shoot you some pics sometime soon.