Matthew Cowan

Literally just a guy. Just a dude. A man if you will. A boy perchance. A lad (on occasion). Forbes 30 under 30. Auteur. Stan Loona 😍

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

This is me except my stomach actually is applauding because it’s happy because I gave it a tasty little treat

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Restaurants should have a category for ‘if you order this everyone in the kitchen will hate you’ because I know there’s always a few items that they hate making and I want them to like me more than I want to order what I actually want

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Going to the club with the fake ID of a younger person so that the bartender things I look real bad for my age

[The Humour Mill - Comedy Creatives Network @humourmillccn]

Take a look at the full line up for The Humour Mill LIVE! 🃏🎉

McChuills - 20/03/24 - 7pm

Tickets still available - get em while you can! 👉https://t.co/1PVb84m6OB

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

If life really is a simulation could whoever’s running it download some mods or something? This shit is getting old

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Do you think cavemen knew that days were shorter in the winter, or where they just like “fuck me, this days went by fast. I must have had an absolute blast hunting mammoths today”

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Don’t ask how I know this - but after meeting your driving test examiner, if you reply with “Examiner? I hardly even know her!” You WILL fail instantly

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Just had the worst first date ever. I thought that things were going pretty well so at one point I closed my eyes and leaned in for a kiss, unbeknownst to me she had picked up a nearby dog and made my kiss the dog instead of her! Needless to say I will not be seeing her again

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Just got called a bus wanker… it brought a tear to my glassy eye and warmed my stone heart. How can anyone say that British people have no culture? I’m literally still smiling. I’ll think about this day until the very end, even as I draw my last breath, I’ll always remember this

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

I know I’m a bit late to the party talking about Eurovision and Sweden’s song, but those ABBA guys are really good. I see a bright future for them

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

As someone who is not capable of escaping a six foot hole I am allowed to say this

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Fun fact: people are buried 6 feet under so that if someone is accidentally buried alive they can only escape if they’re like 5’ 10”. This ensures that only the tall will live, slowly but surely killing off the short gene

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

@RShaunJustShaun Because he’s freaked out by how much you look like him and also how you have his name not once, but twice

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

I won’t lie, I’ve not had to draw straight lines without a ruler as much as primary school had lead me to believe

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

@RShaunJustShaun @elonmusk STOP IT! STOP USING MY LIKENESS TO BE MEAN TO ELON!! HE DOESN’T DESERVE IT!!!

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

@RShaunJustShaun Still hiring?

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Apparently Ben Affleck was a really prolific child actor and even won an award for doing so at age ten! Just Google Ben 10 to find out more

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

Man, I’m so excited for Boxing Day I can barely sleep. Call me Katy Perry, because I’m wide awake

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

@RShaunJustShaun I feel like you should appreciate the fact I didn’t start it with ‘As a Viking’

[Matthew Cowan @MatthewCowanLit]

If I was a Viking, I would 100% have horns on my helmet. I don’t care what any historian says, that shit’s cool as fuck