Matthew

This is my twitter account. There are many like it but this one is mine.

[Matthew @MattylCE]

Is @tweetbot down… forever? Do all of you sickos just use this terrible native Twitter app all the time!? My goodness does this thing suck tremendously

[William B. Fuckley @opinonhaver]

do you guys ever get tired of this shit? like I know you’re getting paid, but doesn’t it eventually get enervating spending your life writing about why robots are woke or toothbrush company ads are trying to push cultural Marxism?

[Connor🍉 @FullbackDiving]

Both Georgia and Colorado held TCU to 7 first half points. Let's start a dialogue

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Jay Arnold @JayArnoldTX]

Taco Bell is the only fast food place I roll up to with no ordering game plan. I just let the menu speak to me. The Bell will tell me what I need. My mouth may be moving but I am just the instrument of a supreme design.

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Bobby C @Bobby_Condon]

in 3rd grade we had a prison guard do a “scared straight” speech and we asked what the prisoners ate. he said “nothing good—mcdonald’s burgers” and when he saw our faces light up, he said “ya but imagine that 3 times a week…”
that was when he lost control of the room

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Sam Fortier @Sam4TR]

Brian Robinson said his friend has a “big hat” company. “If you want a big hat, let me know.”

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[April Clark @autogynefiles]

(TSA guy) dicks must come OUT of the pants, people, out of the pants, don’t make me say it again! Dicks come OUT of the pants,

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[kathleen @kathleen_hanley]

bob costas: “we’re here in cleveland, where the slight autumn chill in the air is a bleak reminder of the chilling fact that each day we are all spiraling towards the unavoidable conclusion we call death”

ron darling: “i think he goes fastball here”

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Will Sennett @Senn_Spud]

City folk see a big truck and go waah waah nobody needs that. They will never experience the joy of hitting a deer so hard it explodes into a red mist

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[young tiempo @YoungTiempo]

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

alex jones’ lawyer

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Soulless Analyst @SoullessAnalyst]

fellas is it gay to survive a car crash

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

wikipedia: please. please just give me one dollar i'm begging you give me anything

me: [trying to look up the hamburglar's full name] shut the fuck up

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Matthew @MattylCE]

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[Matthew @MattylCE]

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[Pepper Boy @KiddDozer]

Son you are 18 now would you rather inhale toxic fumes or stare at excel for 8 hours a day

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[shelby wolstein @ShelbyWolstein]

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Matthew @MattylCE]

#2022Faves

[Ben Pfeifer @bjpf_]

power ranking the top 10 aaron rodgers nicknames

1. klan marino
2. rush lambeau
3 throw rogan
4. prager unitas
5. Brietbart Starr
6. QB giuliani
7. OANy romo
8. tuckrule carlson
9. Qaaron rodgers
10. kurt d wormer