Maxi Witrak

Professional comedian, fitness instructor, drummer/half vocals for Mik&Maxi. If I'm not yelling at you on a mic I'm on vacation

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

@SouthwestAir shoutout to Constance R, Cesar, and the whole team at @fly_BUR for handling everyone's groans and rebookings with class, patience, and unworldly friendliness toward grumpy pajama-clad masses-- thank you for setting the travel day tone!

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

I don’t like to hear people telling me about their sex lives because it forces me to picture it, I don’t know if that means I’m a prude or I just need hotter friends

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

scientists say the brain is much more plastic when you’re young which explains why all my ideas in my twenties were unsalvageable garbage

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

me giving advice a year in to standup: I have all the answers try this and this and this

me giving advice now: I don't know anything about anything live your life it'll work out somehow go for it or don't what does any of it even mean how's your soul feeling

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

comics are an easy hacking target because when a friend sends us a fake link to vote for them in an unnamed contest we jump on it like hey we're too broke to donate to anything but I can vote like hell for you for free this is my moment

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

a guy in Starbucks today asked me for my number which I thought was pretty bold but I still told him 22 if you count the dude in Vegas

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

sometimes in conversation I’ll try to credit the comedian whose joke I’m paraphrasing and I realized it probably sounds like name dropping until I remembered this great quote by I think it was my friend Eleanor Roosevelt who said something about not worrying what people think

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

ever hit your head so hard it clogs pores

like great now I’ve got TWO bumps on my forehead

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

can't watch a Ryan Gosling movie without lecherously chuckling to myself ''I'd like to give HIM a baby goose'

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

people ask why I don’t dress up more, to me it just seems like being “a lot” + “extra” = “too much”

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

this Thanksgiving I’m thankful for the voice of Stacy and Clinton in my head reassuring me that waiting til my old underwear falls apart to buy more is not the act of valor I think it is

#BlackFriday 🛍️

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

I love answering emails on a holiday because instead of wondering how to sign off at the end it's so much easier to just be like no I understand completely I won't be bothering you or your family again Mr Gosling thank you Happy Thanksgiving

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

first kiss comes during a late night kickabout, where she reveals her background as a goalkeeper, they spar ideologies about being on defense vs on offense until THEY BOTH LET THEIR DEFENSES DOWN BOOM SWOON it writes itself 💔

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

@TedLasso s4 storyline pitch: women’s soccer coach enters as love interest to Roy, with identical rage issues, teeth gnashing, and tight black t shirts ⚽️@TPcasting #tedlasso #tedlassoseason4 #brettgoldstein #jasonsudeikis #brendanhunt

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

their eyes meet on the third u of “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” as they simultaneously get sprayed by a rogue tap at Mae’s pub 🍻

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

I subscribed for the checkmark to look more professional because meta wouldn’t give it to me, but since canceling they won’t stop trying to get me to come back by offering a free month

like well well well look who’s begging to give me a blue checkmark now

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

I dunno guys after Tony’s hearty endorsement I just might be swayed to get a MyPillow

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

urgent cares are like restaurants where the waiter can come to your table three hours late and you still have to be like “thank you so much for seeing me”

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

I might be a little too supportive of friends taking breaks from standup, at this point it sounds more like I'm encouraging them to quit

[Maxi Witrak @MaxiWG]

sharing therapy discoveries about my mom with my siblings feels like I'm finally catching up on a mystery series they all watched ten years ago

them: how's it going
me: I just got to the part where she fires the maid do you think she's in on it