Martin Darcey Official

I'm trying my best, some of the time.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

A yoga retreat suggests that there must also be a yoga attack.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

You can no longer increase shareholder profits in the afterlife so you need to do that as much as you can while alive

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

deleting your toxic paragraph to text back "ok" is cowardly, embrace your toxicity.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

My girlfriend has given herself the nickname 'best' since the best is yet to come

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Fighting off ancient demons better than fighting off ancient semens

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

This one simple trick totally changed my perspective: turning around 180 degrees.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Just took 3 pre-workouts and drank 2 coffees - training till heart failure.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Before cardio: Feel like shit. Maybe I should skip.

After cardio: Holy crap, I still feel like shit. Should've skipped.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Before cardio: Feel like shit. Maybe I should skip.

After cardio: Holy crap, I still feel like shit.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

*Girlfriend shakes me awake at midnight*

Her:
I had a dream you slept with my best friend!

Me:
Holy shit, we had the same dream.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

I thought I was depressed but then I did an ice bath for 60 seconds.

Now I'm cold, and depressed.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

I thought I was depressed but then I did an ice bath for 60 seconds.

Now I'm wet, cold, and depressed.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

I thought I was depressed.

Then I stuck my face in ice water.

Now I'm wet, cold, and depressed.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

I thought I was depressed.

Then I stuck my face in ice water and hummed.

Now I'm wet, cold, and depressed.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Listening to your own Spotify playlist and skipping 90% of the songs.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Listening to your own Spotify playlist and skipping every song.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

You got a rescue dog? How about rescue me from this conversation.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

When someone is telling me about their rescue dog I feel the one that actually needs rescuing is me

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

I don't think I'm ready to have kids, which is tough since I have two.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Rescue dog sounds so dramatic, that's just a second-hand dog. I've never gotten a Weber off Gumtree and called it my Rescue BBQ.

[Martin Darcey Official @Mdarceyofficial]

Thought I was at a Lesbian Pride Parade but then I realised I was just at Bunnings.