Derek

There's a mini pig adjacent to my house

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Take what I say with a grain of salt. And a wedge of lime. What I'm saying is tequila. Let's drink tequila.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

This toy only works on the beach

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

“I dismembered these toys in self defense”

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Looks like he wants this one, wrap it up.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Some things don’t change no matter where you go.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

“You look very familiar”

“I do A LOT of porn”- me to my sister in laws best friend I banged 6 years ago.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

@somewhatalady Eyebrow

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Mass text to everyone in my phone.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Oh man the girl behind me at this restaurant is getting deep into her insecurities and how she let her family down - this appears to be a first date.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

The meme I sent to my mom when she kept asking about my plans tonight and if they involved a girl.

[Jules Suzdaltsev @jules_su]

Sean Hannity time traveler confirmed. https://t.co/boeXuCwKhm

[Robert Reich @RBReich]

Here, I agree with Trump (at least, Trump in 2013).

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do scat.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Pulled into the car wash and got an alert saying rain was starting in 20 minutes. Good looking out Weather Channel App.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

70 cents

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

The marijuana stock I invested in is up 28 cents, so I’m pretty sure I can retire now.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

59 cents now

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

“You already know my money go a long time”

You need to update your payment info on Netflix.

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

@WineandCrimePod @WINC Does this include the accidental dick pic my dealer texted me once, or is that cool?

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Fucking finally. https://t.co/UkhfylNr2i

[Yahoo @Yahoo]

Yahoo Search makes it easy to find local garage door repair companies. https://t.co/QdtzKHuxf2

[Derek @MeIsDerek]

Never in the history of the @GoldenKnights has the team lost a playoff game.