Megachurch Mitch

I pastor 12 campuses and 0 people personally | Fog machine stewardship | Church growth course only $9,999.99 | Parody

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@growing_daniel Glad to see the Sunday sermon is (finally) taking hold.

Would love to catch-up this Sunday at the giving station near door 2B.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@TheNolanGore I try to pay for as little as possible.

If my 30 co-pastors are killing it at the merch tables after the service I MAY comp. them a free coffee but, if and only if, their table sales exceed last weeks numbers.

I'm one bad week away from defaulting on my Series 7.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@RoaringHammy Negative. The mortgage payment on my 2026 Mastercraft wake surf boat is more than that.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@readswithravi Were you in my elders meeting last night?

I gave a similar message to my 30 co-pastors, except, I said "you are the sheep, I am the shepherd, stop yucking it up at the coffee station and work the merch tables"

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@Brady_H I prefer running never.

And I also prefer my 30 other co-pastors not yucking it up at the coffee station after the service.

I'm one bad merch sales week away from a default on my Mastercraft wake surf boat.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@Jason More of a Padron guy myself but not a bad choice!

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@Tim_Denning Why?

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@AlexHormozi 4) more merch tables
5) upgraded fog machines
6) advanced mathematics
https://t.co/OJLKjUdqzd

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

It's crazy to me that linear regression isn't taught in seminary (which is why i've included it in my church growth course).

Lesson 402: Finding the line of best fit through merch and giving tables.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@realEstateTrent Correlation <> causation.

Trust me, I should know... I have some advanced math in my latest church growth course you should check out.
https://t.co/OJLKjUdqzd

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

It's crazy to me that linear regression isn't taught in seminary (which is why i've included it in my church growth course).

Lesson 402: Finding the line of best fit through merch and giving tables.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@Codie_Sanchez Smart friend.

I use a similar strategy as senior pastor. I just call my 'assistants' co-pastors.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@coryalthoff Mayday

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@KevinSzabo14 My exact strategy. Except I'm teaching how to grow churches.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@GrantCardone and I thought my 2026 Mastercraft wave surf boat was an achievement....

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

Looking for some sermon inspiration. I've maxed out both claude and chat usage for my previous sermons so i'm going to have to do this the old fashioned way.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@thepatwalls 4. drink bubble tea

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@TJ_Bongiorno I have 12 churches and would be willing to flip your product at our merch tables for a 15% tithe.

I'd probably let Brian handle it at door 2B. He recently got on TRT and could likely speak the language of your ideal customer.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@MikeHoffmann Well $2k is the difference between me keeping and defaulting on my 2026 Mastercraft wake surf boat.

And believe you me, if I defaulted on that in peak summer, I would be dead.

So yeah, I would call it life changing money.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

@unusual_whales @elonmusk time to step up, big dog.

I'd be willing to pledge my merch table receivables.

[Megachurch Mitch @MegachurchMitch]

I needed this.

Sometimes my 30 other co-pastors have no idea what i've had to sacrifice to dial in the fog machines, get rid of our stage lighting that seemed like it was purchased off a street vendor in Hong Kong, optimize our merch table and giving station layout using advanced linear regression.

It's a grind but I must endure.

Or else I'm defaulting on my Series 7.