Megan from HR.

5🌟 sketch duo: @ambikamod @AndrewShandrew || “smart, accomplished and a name to remember” @thelistmagazine || Children of the QuornTM: 8 & 9th May @sohotheatre

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

I am doing this gig on Tuesday @thedipcomedy!!!! If you run London nights and would like me to do your gig pls lmk!!!! I'm best friends with a famous woman!!!!

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

THE QUEEN: *grunts slightly*

ROYAL COMMENTATORS: "🤣🤣 And there of course is our majesty's DAZZLING sense of humour 🤣🤣🤣"

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

And I find it kinda gagging
I find it kinda peak
The dreams in which I'm slaying
Are the ones that are on fleek 💅

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

THEME PARKS: Do you DARE ride the DEATHCOASTER through the LAKE OF KNIVES as it cannonballs you straight to HELL?!?!

THEME PARKS AFTER A MAJOR INCIDENT: we are so sorry about what deathcoaster did 😪😪 we had no way of knowing deathcoaster would do this 🥺🥺

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

Oxford student phones home for Easter

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

V sad about Jesus 😪😪 gonna miss him!!!! 🥺

Something tells me he'll be back tho 😉😉🤫🤫

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

To think I nearly let my CHILDREN hear this SMUT. We are heading to China NOW. They are CRYING because there is NO ONE TO LOOK AFTER THE DOG while we are gone and it will STARVE.

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

Me on a lifeboat surrounded by women and children sailing away from the Titanic only to immediately hit another slightly smaller iceberg:

"Ok guys you will not believe what's just happened"

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

Just gonna say it, if I'd been handed the life changing opportunity of a starring role in Stranger Things as a teen, I would not have had the AUDACITY to age. Absolutely disgusting.

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

"I have to do something about the situation in Ukraine!" I say, deciding that the student theatre production of Henry IV I'm directing will be done entirely in vaguely Eastern European accents

[Megan from HR. @MeganfromHR]

We're still v much going! It's just that one of us is a national TV star whilst the other is a directionless gay man!!!!!!

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

When I'm bad at replying it's because I'm an adorable goofball who is busy playing as hard as they work

When someone else is bad at replying it's because they hate me so much they've had a car crash

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

When crossing the road, look left, then right, then left again. Two more lefts, then pretend to look right before snapping back left. A quick down (that's where hell is) then right. Hold it for a minute, then a final left (maybe say a few words?) Hammerhead it (both) then cross

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

EINSTEIN: Time is relative. Your 24 hours are not my 24 hours

MOLLY MAE:

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

DUDE: How are you?

BRO: I'm fine

DUDE: OK cool

VOICEOVER: Talking 😌😌 it helps!! 😌😌 men should talk more 😌😌 Eat Snickers ❤

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

Everyone say thank you to the brave engineer who got Facebook and Instagram back online

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

Yikes, unfollowing him now!! I loved his aesthetic and his symbolism as a token of defeat to be brought into the city, had no idea he contained multitudes of Greek soldiers to kill us in our sleep!!

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

ARAGORN: You have my sword

LEGOLAS: And my bow

GIMLI: And my axe

FRODO: ok but I'm not going to be able to carry all this stuff

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

Movie idea: everytime you get older you become more beach

[Andrew Doherty @AndrewShandrew]

The "It's a Sin" montage where Ritchie has sex with loads of different hot guys, but it's me just preparing and eating different pasta dishes