MelWuv

Jesus, it's not you again

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

'Well behaved women rarely make history,' I whisper to myself, still using my Christmas tea towels in the middle of January

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

Thought I was desperately hungover.

Think I'm actually still pissed.

Wheeeee Friday

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

Shout out to Spud for slipping Pokemon cards into the card slots of my wallet. Really fun for me trying to buy petrol with a Charizard

[Matt @ThinkWiselyMatt]

i have been working from home for long enough now that i have noticed a slow and irreversible decay in my standards as a human being and i want to document it here in case scientists want to study this later

month 1

i woke up early showered put on real clothes made coffee sat at my desk at 8am sharp. professional. crisp. a man of discipline. my posture was correct. my webcam was on

month 3

the shower moved to lunch time. the real clothes became a nice shirt on top and basketball shorts on the bottom. the mullet of outfits. business up top party down below. webcam still on but only from the chest up. a carefully curated illusion

month 6

the shower became "as needed" which is a phrase that should never be applied to hygiene but here we are. the nice shirt became a hoodie. the basketball shorts became the same basketball shorts. coffee was replaced by whatever liquid was closest to me when i woke up. once it was flat ginger ale and i didnt even question it

month 9

i took a meeting from bed. not sitting up in bed. laying down in bed. camera off. muted. i contributed nothing.
nobody noticed. this was a turning point because i realized i could contribute nothing and nobody would notice and that revelation will haunt me for the rest of my career

month 12

my wife walked into my office and i was sitting on the floor. not because my chair broke. the chair was right there. i just ended up on the floor and didnt course correct. she asked if i was ok and i said yes and she asked why i was on the floor and i said i was thinking and she left

month 14

i missed a meeting because i was watching a bird outside my window and forgot what day it was. not what time. what day. the bird was just sitting on a branch doing nothing and i related to it so deeply that time stopped

month 18

i now eat lunch at 11am or 2pm there is no in between. my circadian rhythm is based on slack notifications not the sun. i have a blanket at my desk. i have slippers. there are crumbs in my keyboard that have been there so long they are fossilizing. future archaeologists will carbon date my keyboard crumbs and learn nothing of value

i still deliver my work on time and nobody has said anything which means either i am still performing at an acceptable level or everyone else has also devolved and we are all just pretending together

the entire professional workforce is sitting on their floors in basketball shorts eating flat ginger ale and we all just silently agreed to never talk about it

i love remote work and will never go back to an office. this is fine

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

I replied, Love you!, rather than, Love to! in an eMail to my boss, so please consider this my suicide note

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

How your eMail finds me:

[soggy broccoli @soggybrocoli]

if i say “don’t get me started” it’s too late, i have started. i probably started hours ago if i’m being honest

[𝚂𝚑𝚒. ✶ @chamoulie]

people without any whimsy scare me. why are you like that. where are your trinkets

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

I have started the year by doing The Big Bad Scary

1. Why didn't I do this 3 months ago? 15m, and I feel *so much better*
2. COMPLIMENT PLEASE

[Lisa Vanderbump @confideinm3]

it is absolutely imperative that i channel this energy going into 2026...

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

Merry Christmas, asshole xoxo

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

For some stupid reason, I thought I had avoided the traditional Day Before Xmas Break Work Crisis.

Oh no, honey. No you haven't

[Bernard Donoghue @bernarddonoghue]

I’m sat across from a work Christmas meal - 12 people, all cheery - but their part-time colleague, who clearly wasn’t invited & knew nothing of tonight’s event, has just walked in with her husband. She has assertively shared her disappointment. Everyone is mortified. I’m staying.

[jeremy poxon @JeremyPoxon]

incredible the difference mere hours after the child social media ban. Four boys on my street started a journey from their treehouse to find the body of a missing kid in the wilderness. Along the way, they're learning about themselves, & the meaning of friendship. Great to see

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

I too could afford a lavish wedding if I lived in public-funded housing and received regular government payments

[Anthony Albanese @AlboMP]

I love you, Jodie.

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

100% sure that this was how Deliverance started

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

Is it
Shaddap Your Face by Joe Dolce?

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

My God, it's like some of you have never seen a middle-aged crone walking her pup and singing Annie Lennox

[Alastair Reviews @AlastairReviews]

Not gonna lie, I'm a bit disappointed with this

*points at the entire of existence

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

@CumberdickB I hate that this has me HOWLING laughing 🤣😂🤣

[MelWuv @MelWuv]

A client had offered to pay me in ham.

Don't hate the idea