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[EA has her PVC @virtuousii]

If you carry a package full of YSL makeup and give it to another woman out of the goodness of your heart, you’ll move in with her.

[ʙᴏʏᴇᴡᴇʟʟɴᴇss @askcoachboye]

Them: You go to the gym 5 times a week??? You must be shredded

Me gaining and losing the same 5lbs every month

[ali @probablyalissa]

Hi please don’t vape around my baby. We’re raising him exclusively on Marlboro reds.

[Tenya Kurtoğlu @quaso]

@himbokisser Cassie’s real name is Cassandra and Nate’s real name is Natenyahu.

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

The fake urgency in corporate jobs kills me. We're not doctors, we work in spreadsheets. You don't need to circle back for a response an hour later.

[Shaqpreet Kalsi @shaqpreetkalsi]

The gora yearns to live in the pind

[AC 🇪🇸 @AC2802M]

Fasting but never furious

[ʚ bambi ɞ @cellophanebee]

yes the uk has free healthcare but you might die before a doctor bothers to figure out what is actually wrong with you

[golden 🌼 @goldensflowers]

adhd is so funny why am i procrastinating playing a video game. that i want to play

[𝟖 @MercedesHenz]

@irreIevantnada It'll take a few days to leave, ventilate the car by keeping your windows cracked open!

[wakofa @playkirakuni]

I can tell bc why is asda busy on a random wednesday afternoon

[Harmy @harrrmy]

my future husband and i will be stay at home parents and the kids will go to work

[jynx @jynxbby]

telling a man what u been through in the past then realizing ur bleeding in front of a shark

[Nyatsimba Mutotesi @timiretimzzy2]

I run every day for 30 minutes, if I miss a day I add 30 minutes to the next day.
This has truly been a game changer, tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.

[mau @rllydu]

my ducks: in a row
my elephant: addressed
my eggs: several baskets
my bigger fish: fried

[𝟖 @MercedesHenz]

@b0mbchell_ I mean, if it always has water in it, can it be considered self cleaning

[𝟖 @MercedesHenz]

Car engines making a funny noise, is it just shivering because winter is coming?