Meredith Opitz

Doritos as a form of currency.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

@VerizonNews @Verizon HELLLOOO @Verizon I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER MY CHINESE TAKEOUT NOW PLEASE 📞🥡🆘

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

Yo @cvspharmacy - why are you forcing non-essential employees with auto immune diseases to go to work and risk their lives?? Not cool. Figure it out.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

Update: stuck on plane for 3 hours because @Delta Engineers have their fingers shoved up their buttholes and can't sign paperwork.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

@Delta you're really living up to John Mulaney's bit right now. Straight up nightmare airline 🤡🔪

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

Omg I suck at Tweeting but look how good my profile pic and cover photo are. Keeping just for that.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

Hey everyone - just wanted to give a quick update: It's Thursday, October 13th, 2016 and I still don't really get Twitter. Alright. #bye

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

If it goes IN rainbow, does it come OUT rainbow? @jamieoliver https://t.co/RfskQkcUY7

[Jamie Oliver @jamieoliver]

Guys keep your rainbow food cook-ups coming for a chance to win a signed copy of my new book #FamilySuperFood!!! https://t.co/1oEy7URdBS x

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

I can't get a side waitress gig because I don't have enough experience, but Donald Trump might be President (flings body down steep stairs)

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

Throwing a "Meredith Has 80 Followers" party. There will be bowls filled with assorted snacks and we will reenact scenes from the movie It.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

Want to know what it feels like to have your insides stung by bees and vacuum sealed to the point of paralyzation? Hire a personal trainer.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

My pants just got tighter. https://t.co/WucCNVUqD5

[Betches @betchesluvthis]

Is PSC the new PSL?
https://t.co/7thqEfD3lD

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

My teeth were up all night knitting sweaters.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

If I were to give my attempt at adulthood thus far a visual representation, it would be the Filipino Men's Diving Team. #BellyUp

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

I HAVE 11 FOLLOWERS! #BAUCE #MoveOverKimK

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

If the thought of reading someone else's diary entices you, check out https://t.co/4IB5CTt5lB.

[Meredith Opitz @Meredith_Opitz]

I'm 29 going on 30 and this is my 4th attempt at a 1st Tweet. Do the math and it ='s embarrassing. #MillennialDisgrace