Evan Sheets

I suck.

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Welp... I just pooped myself for no reason. #shithappens

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Enjoy your adhesive prison! Hahaha! http://t.co/6bw4Att

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Found a scab on my shoulder last night. Found out today it was a dog tick. #thanksnature #uuuugh

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Just found a gray hair growing out of my arm. Did it see a ghost? Was its child murdered? Is it rapidly aging? #itsamystery

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

After 2 really bad remixes of @CalvinHarris The Girls, I finally got something with 5 beers and 3 hours... http://t.co/TkPP4Ws

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Pitch Black turned Mnt Dew purple. My body has the ability to turn it back to green. #lamesuperpower #weirdpoop

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Some little bug landed on my finger so gently that I didn't feel it, to take a little bug break. I immediately smashed it. #thatswhatyouget

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

The same lone stall pisser just walked. Same shoes, different pants, same stall, different day... #themysterycontinues

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Just slammed my finger in the car door. Nail turning purple. #howdidthathappen

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Who uses a stall to piss in an empty restroom? A coworker of mine, that's who! Who? All I saw were shoes. #itsamystery

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Just wiped my ass without getting shit all over my hand #hesitanthighfive

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

I have so much faith in Jesus that I will flush this toilet, walk away, and pray all of my shit goes down. #peopleiworkwith #itdidnt

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Chonk fulla butts.

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Tender pigboot sandwich with rings and a rutburr. All kinds of neon elvis up in this piece. Suck it, plankleg! #plankleg

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

@scottaukerman I'm concerned about this bout of plankleg I've been having. #plankleg

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Vodka = Headache-plankleg+hunger. #plankleg

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

I'm hungry but I also suffer from plank leg. Not so much bored at the moment. #plankleg

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

I have plank leg

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

I'm hungry and I'm bored and I have plank leg.

[Evan Sheets @Metro_ID]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. #overheardatwork