Michelle

Good, not great. Opinions are those of the Coca-Cola Corporation.

[Michelle @MichSimer]

I can't believe I haven't tweeted since January. Just know I'm always creepin tho :)

[Joshin and Jokien @joshcarlosjosh]

FRODO: *puts on the Ring*

EYE OF SAURON:

[Kathryn Watson @kathrynw5]

We, as a society, have taken two-factor authentication too far. Logging into my bank account and into my Chipotle account shouldn't be the same process.

[я hater @alionastrixel]

Work will have you in friend groups like this!

[Michelle @MichSimer]

We just got an application from someone dead. How do I know? Because he murdered his wife, then himself & I actually knew him.

Imagine how bleak it must be to work at a fraud farm cranking out fake resumes all day. Yikes.

[Michelle @MichSimer]

Here's my con list, in case you were curious.

[Michelle @MichSimer]

Last year, I messaged the Founder & CEO of Zoom with a pros & cons case for showing the meeting title on the top bar once a user joins. I heard he was strongly opposed to this feature since he founded Zoom.

Today, my impact can be felt worldwide. You’re welcome.

[Adam London @_adamlondon]

companies should start making graphics like this for normal jobs. steve from accounting pack your bags brother

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees.

$30 per seat per month.

$1.4 million annually.

I called it "digital transformation."

The board loved that phrase.

They approved it in eleven minutes.

No one asked what it would actually do.

Including me.

I told everyone it would "10x productivity."

That's not a real number.

But it sounds like one.

HR asked how we'd measure the 10x.

I said we'd "leverage analytics dashboards."

They stopped asking.

Three months later I checked the usage reports.

47 people had opened it.

12 had used it more than once.

One of them was me.

I used it to summarize an email I could have read in 30 seconds.

It took 45 seconds.

Plus the time it took to fix the hallucinations.

But I called it a "pilot success."

Success means the pilot didn't visibly fail.

The CFO asked about ROI.

I showed him a graph.

The graph went up and to the right.

It measured "AI enablement."

I made that metric up.

He nodded approvingly.

We're "AI-enabled" now.

I don't know what that means.

But it's in our investor deck.

A senior developer asked why we didn't use Claude or ChatGPT.

I said we needed "enterprise-grade security."

He asked what that meant.

I said "compliance."

He asked which compliance.

I said "all of them."

He looked skeptical.

I scheduled him for a "career development conversation."

He stopped asking questions.

Microsoft sent a case study team.

They wanted to feature us as a success story.

I told them we "saved 40,000 hours."

I calculated that number by multiplying employees by a number I made up.

They didn't verify it.

They never do.

Now we're on Microsoft's website.

"Global enterprise achieves 40,000 hours of productivity gains with Copilot."

The CEO shared it on LinkedIn.

He got 3,000 likes.

He's never used Copilot.

None of the executives have.

We have an exemption.

"Strategic focus requires minimal digital distraction."

I wrote that policy.

The licenses renew next month.

I'm requesting an expansion.

5,000 more seats.

We haven't used the first 4,000.

But this time we'll "drive adoption."

Adoption means mandatory training.

Training means a 45-minute webinar no one watches.

But completion will be tracked.

Completion is a metric.

Metrics go in dashboards.

Dashboards go in board presentations.

Board presentations get me promoted.

I'll be SVP by Q3.

I still don't know what Copilot does.

But I know what it's for.

It's for showing we're "investing in AI."

Investment means spending.

Spending means commitment.

Commitment means we're serious about the future.

The future is whatever I say it is.

As long as the graph goes up and to the right.

[The Antihero @YourBoy_KG]

Are the developers at Outlook happy with their search function?

[Alex Cohen @anothercohen]

I’m not convinced that a single UI designer works at any of the major car brands.

They all look like they were shipped by engineers without any design involvement

[Michelle @MichSimer]

@br0_s3xu4l Yes! Send an email!

[nic carter @nic_carter]

morning everybody, cameras ON please, seeing some sleepy faces. let’s Spring Forward into Q2 team! I need all your mandatory trainings in by eod friday

[Michelle @MichSimer]

@SlackHQ Quick request - could y'all pretty please with a cherry on top place the text at the BOTTOM of the photo when you send both a photo & text coupled together in one message? The text gets overlooked ~96.4% of the time when sent with a photo/screenshot/GIF, etc.

[Michelle @MichSimer]

@Han_Cholo Exactly!!!!!! My parents, while lovely humans, tend to be like, "The Doctor said this, so I'll just sit back and listen!" It's a full-time job having to advocate for yourself in US healthcare. You have to be a nuisance if you want to shorten that timeline, unfortunately. A mess.

[Michelle @MichSimer]

@Han_Cholo cutieeee!!!

[Michelle @MichSimer]

@jasona I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL (idk why I'm yelling)

[Michelle @MichSimer]

@luka7doncic ❤️❤️❤️

[Cincinnati Reds @Reds]

Elly De La Cruz is the Cincinnati Reds' first-ever MLB The Show cover athlete! ⚡️