Cody Miears

Making mortals laugh since 1997.
69 inches tall, 5 inch personality.
Welcome to the shit show.

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

"I'm 5'10" is what I tell women. Not because I think I'm short, but saying I'm "'5'9 and 3/4" sounds like I'm trying to catch a train in Harry Potter. And then I sound like a short nerd.
#comedy #comedian #jokes #funny #HarryPotter #short #nerd #Wednesday

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

Smoking weed makes you feel like your thoughts are menthol.

You're like "Oh damn, this one is refreshing."

#comedy #comedian #FridayFeeling #FridayVibes #fyp #FridayMotivation #FridayThoughts #Friday #jokes #funny

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

(Insert topical "Will Smith slapping Chris Rock" joke)

#ChrisRock #WillSmithAssault #fyp #comedy #comedian #Monday #mondaythoughts #Mondayvibes #MondayMotivation #MondayMood #mondayfeelings

[Aurora Police Dept @AuroraPD]

#APDAlert: At approx 7:52 pm, officers responded to the 2600 blk of N Zion St, on a report of stabbing. 53 y/o male was transported to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries & expected to survive. Suspect left scene prior to officers arrival. 1/2

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

Doing open mic comedy is being told you can get water or paper towels. And there is no inbetween.

#comedy #comedian #standup #SundayBrunch #SundayMorning #sundayvibes #SundayMotivation #Sundaythoughts #SundayFunday #fyp #Austin #Texas #atx

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

@FuzzOrFuzzy Hearsay

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

@FuzzOrFuzzy Not enough

[Deric Poston @dericposton]

Nigga I got booed off stage with my parents in the audience. Shut yo ass up and do better

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

"Taysom Hill; This is a designed run!"

Your quarterback is afraid to throw. Just say it.

#sundayvibes #SundayThoughts #football #NFL #FootballSunday #Saints #Buccaneers #BucsvsSaints #neworleans #Tampabay #comedy #comedian #oof

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

Saw a guy wearing a mask while sitting on a bus stop bench. You're worried about the wrong germs at the moment, brother.

#FridayFeeling #FridayVibes #fridaymorning #FridayMotivation #Fridaymood #comedy #comedian #COVID #Covid_19 #coronavirus #oof

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

Covid is out here scooping up the hottest gender names.

"Omicron" has to be the coolest pronoun.

#COVIDIOTS #covidvariant #COVID19 #OmicronVariant #Omicorn #variant #comedy #comedian #sundayvibes #Sundayfeeling #Sundaymood #Sundaythoughts #oof #transgender #pronouns

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

If Crocs are "so comfortable" then how come they don't make a mattress? Hm?

#crocs #Sunday #Sundaymood #SundayThoughts #SundayMotivation #debate #staywoke #oof #comedy #comedian

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

At this point, I want a crazy girlfriend that goes through my phone, only so she can tell me which joke ideas are funny.

#fridaymorning #FridayFeeling #FridayVibes #FridayMotivation #relationshipgoals #comedy #comedian #oof #love

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

I spilled ranch on my Farmall shirt and wiped it up with a Culver's fry. You can take the boy out of the midwest..

#Midwest #culvers #farm #tractor #farmall #food #ranch #tuesdayvibe #TuesdayNight #tuesdaymotivations #TuesdayFeeling #oof #comedy #comedian

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

It's been a tough season for the Raiders. Yesterday they got beat by the Kansas City Chiefs and just before that they were getting beat by the police chief.

#NFL #RaidersNation #RaidersvsChiefs #ChiefsKingdom #football #comedy #comedian #mondaythoughts #MondayMood #oof #Vegas

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

No Nut November?

I thought it was October 32nd..
Here's to next year.

#November #NoNutNovember #oof #halloween2021 #Halloween #comedy #comedian #relationshipgoals #MondayMotivation #mondaythoughts #MondayMorning #Mondayvibes #mondayreport

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

Don't feel like doing laundry so I'm going to buy out all the discounted Halloween costumes and wear them till Christmas.

#Halloween #halloween2021 #comedy #comedian #mondaythoughts #MondayMotivation #MondayMood #Mondayfeeling #Mondayvibes #oof

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

AJ Green? More like AJ Green-Light, Red Light. That boy stopped-stopped

#ajgreen #PackersvsCardinals #GreenBayPackers #ArizonaCardinals #NFL #football #SquidGame #Netflix #oof #cardinals #Packers #comedy #comedian #fridaymorning #FridayVibes #Fridayfeeling #Fridaymood

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

@FuzzOrFuzzy Sounds like someone was a guard that couldn't catch a football.

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

Alec Baldwin has become Oscar nominated for his realistic portrayal of shooting an innocent bystander.

He's in line to receive a Police Academy Award.

#AlecBaldwin #propgun #rust #western #movies #oof #comedy #comedian #fridaymorning #FridayVibes #FridayThoughts #fridaymood

[Cody Miears @MiearsCody]

Just heard that Alec Baldwin is shooting a new movie.

#comedy #comedian #fridaymorning #FridayVibes #FridayMotivation #FridayThoughts #Fridaymood #Fridayfeeling #oof #AlecBaldwin #movies