Mike Hale

I’m just a tornado of inappropriate

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

#girldad

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

Okay so this is the most misleading headline of all time?

[RNC Research @RNCResearch]

BREAKING: Karine Jean-Pierre announces Kamala Harris is now "the president."

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

Guys… who tf is kum kardashuan? Did I miss something?

[Sarah McGonagall @gothspiderbitch]

finding out that k*m kardash*an not only destroyed marilyn monroe’s gown (the most important dress of the 20th century) but also permanently altered one of the only two “oyster gowns” that mcqueen ever made (the most important dress of the 21st century) is my villain origin story

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

Hi @GroyTreen has anyone told you that you look just like Sami from the newest season of Survivor? I can’t unsee it

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

I think anytime an adult man yells “LETS GOOOOO” in public… hell even in private, it should immediately take ten points off of their credit score

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

@psychcowgrl Hollidaysburg, PA has some vacancies from what I heard!!!!

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

@JulePanaro I freakin agree!!!!!

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

Sarah said the fruits and veggies in the fridge are “already washed if Lila wants them”. I have literally never washed a single piece of fruit or veg a day in my entire life? Grocery stores have those sprinkler misty thingys to give them a little shower? Am I missing something?

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

“Alexa, play the song Fortunate Son. Some wasps have to go meet their god…”

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

@cassgelormino I can’t imagine that sheetz Rangoon’s of any kind can be palatable. I also saw the potsticker recently

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

If there is an afterlife I hope you get to read all of your stats. I wanna see how many times I drank directly from the faucet of a sink or peed in a Gatorade bottle. Literally thousands of times

[casey movie good official @casEymig]

my hungry ass thought this was 9/11

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

@Katt_85 “Can’t wear laces where you’re going? No problem 🥰”

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

@hanschofield Tag them below, coward

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

@hanschofield Tell that lovely boy he’s getting a forehead kiss soon

[FATHER D ☆ @ayosworIdd]

When I stop the microwave at :01

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

You’re gonna sit there and tell me brake fluid is real? BRAKE, meaning to stop. FLUID, notoriously slippery. We’re being scammed people…

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

New business idea: I’m a comedian who is also a licensed chiropractor. I call it “Just Crackin’ Jokes”. Tip accordingly.

[Mike Hale @MikeHaleee]

Congress just passed a bill that says it’s fine to wear your jammies out in public as long as it’s a little chilly outside