Michael Lockwood

Director General of Independent Office for Police Conductors and ex-Chief exec (twice!) of Harrow Council. Parody account.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Rather liking the new shorted working hours I've introduced here. Managed to get a fair amount of knitting done this afternoon. In other news, I've ordered a new pair of slippers from Amazon to use in the office.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

First job tomorrow is to sort out the hold music on the phone when you call us at @policeconduct - tough decisions to be made, but that's why they hired me.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Just realised that my new job has something to do with inspecting conductors of various police bands in the country as well. Have updated my Twitter profile and CV accordingly.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Second day in the new job at @policeconduct was better. I've now got my own ID pass so I can go for a wee without having to be escorted. Not as much fun, but still...

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Great first day at my new job as Director General at @policeconduct. And @Number10gov is letting me work part-time for a while until they get me a desk and chair.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Disappointment at not getting a mention in the #NewYearsHonours this year. Moreso than just getting a tie and hanky set in the office secret santa last week.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

@NegligentRail @harrow_council We'll call it 'Lockwood Blue' - my legacy to the people of Harrow.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

In support of Brexit, at @harrow_council we will be rebranding next year from burgundy to blue, to match the new UK passports.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Times are a changing. Last year, I got a nice little message inside from their group leader. Now I'm leaving, I don't even get a cheeky kiss in the corner any more.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

That's me done for Christmas. I'm off to Poundland to get a box of chocs for Mrs L's present.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

We've almost run out of grit, because someone pulled the wrong lever. Apologies to Mrs Sugden of 24 Acacia Avenue for the unexpected salt mountain in her front garden. Last time we take @SachRShah out on a lorry.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

@NegligentRail @MichaelHorwitz1 @harrow_council We're on top of it. Your council loves you, etc. #uksnow.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

@MichaelHorwitz1 @NegligentRail @harrow_council Sorry to hear that. I've spoken to the gritting team, and unfortunately both Doris has to nip home for a wee, and Ethel had to go let her chicuah out. Edna and Gladys (if she finishes her knitting) are on tonight, so I'll make they cover your road.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

@Peymasad I know the feeling. You slip out of a nice warm bed, find your pants, get out the front door and wonder where the bloody hell you are. Hope you got home okay? #walkofshame #uksnow

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Bugger it. The gritter drivers are saying it's too cold to go out unless we provide them a flask with hot Bovril. @SachRShah - can you pop down Argos with the petty cash pronto, please?

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

It's going to be cold this weekend, folks. I can always tell as my piles start throbbing whenever the weather is about to turn. #uksnow

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

@NegligentRail @harrow_council I'll ask the team to send a community champion round. His job will be to jump on the contents to squash them down. Should save us a fortune if we do it that way.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

@MPSHarrow Just to confirm, that isn't me.

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

Looks like it'll be chilly tonight. If you can afford to, once you've paid one of London's highest council tax bills, do try and keep warm. #harrowlovesyou

[Michael Lockwood @MikeJLockwood]

@harrow_council That green car isn't in its bay properly, so we'll get it ticketed or towed. Glad to see our new strategy on smaller parking bays is paying off.