Michael Douglas Schooley

Disclaimer: Michael D Schooley is not responsible for any illness, injury, or death caused by anything he posts on Twitter.

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

"Yes, the carpet does match the drapes, unfortunately."
The drapes:

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

I ate a sandwich for lunch today. But you are what you eat, so maybe I ate a guy who ate a sandwich.

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

@SteelRain602 No disrespect to Brian Hyland, but Sha Na Na had the superior version of Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

Here’s me doing one of my oldest jokes.

#ponytail #tattoo #spoileralert #asshole

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

@chr17ty I *do* want that, but I need someone else to also want that, and she hasn’t found me yet. So in the meantime, don’t wake me up, thanks.

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

@historyinmemes Joseph Pujol

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

@HumansNoContext Fries

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

I opened an app called “X” that mysteriously appeared on my phone, it looks like a lazy clone of Twitter

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

This doesn’t make any sense

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

Search what now?

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

I’m just going to keep calling it Twitter until it’s named Twitter again. This method worked with both the Delta Center and IHOP, it’s bound to work with Twitter.

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

@aimee_bullard @trishanoelle2 @danacarvey I had to go in with a deadly serious demeanor so they wouldn’t think my half beard was a joke and turn me away 🤷‍♂️

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

Out of all the things a cow secretes, I like milk the best

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

Somebody threw a thesaurus at my head, it hurt like a matriarch fornicator

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

Did your grandparents have one of these light switch covers in their bathroom?

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

@htgarbagepeople Nope

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

@bingobingaman Potassium deficiency can manifest like this, it’s something you usually don’t have to think about, but my friend started having stroke symptoms and almost died because of a lack of potassium. Get him a banana or some potato chips.

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

You didn’t see that. I don’t tweet anymore, remember?

[Michael Douglas Schooley @MikeisaJoke]

Hi folks, this is Elon. Lots of people have been getting verified and tweeting as me. Well, I’m tweeting this from an unverified account that seems to be a largely inactive Twitter user. THIS GUY drinks HIS own pee, and LOVES it, not me! Ha, I’ve beaten you at your own game!