Momma Bear Swears

SAHM to 2 boys (6 & 5). I only judge 3 types of people: bigots, flat earthers, & anti-vaxxers. she/her

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

I heard all this shit about the car pickup line… come to find out it’s an excuse to sit in my car’s AC for 45 min while I watch Netflix on my phone. Tbh, I’m a fan.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

6: We did a lot of scissoring at school today!
Me: …You did what?
6: Scissoring and gluing and coloring.
Me: CUTTING, bud. The word you’re looking for is “cutting.”

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

4: Mommy, do you know when T-Rex was alive?

Me: I do! The Cretaceous Period.

4: NO! Tuesday.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

These numbers are current as of 5 Sep. They are rising daily. If you are not sending your child to school with a mask on, you are part of the problem.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

My county in Florida has had 1,039 students, including 393 elementary school children, confirmed positive for COVID since school started on 10 Aug. And yet we still have no mask mandate. Cool. 🤬

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

Collier County high schools have had 323 students and 51 employees confirmed positive for COVID-19.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

Parent hack: Make popsicles out of jello instead of juice, so when they melt they don’t drip (they just turn back into jello).

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

Standing in line at the garden section of Lowe’s, listening to everyone here, in masks, discuss their vaccine reactions and brands, and I’ve never been so proud of where I live.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

My 5 year old just handed me an open tube of toothpaste.
Me: Where’s the lid?
5: That’s the mystery.
🤦🏼‍♀️

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

Someday I hope to see someone wearing a red hat and not have a visceral reaction.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

Funny how the same people who “refuse to live in fear” by staying home or wearing a mask, are the same people afraid to get a vaccine.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

I’ve been exhausted all day, so I decided to treat myself to an early bedtime.

But now I’m so excited about going to bed early that I’m not sleepy 😭

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

What I said: “Please take charge of the kids for a while so I can finish this work project.”

What my husband heard: “Go to the bathroom for the next 45 minutes, I’ve got everything under control.”

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

“Please pull your pants up BEFORE you come out of the bathroom.”

-Things I’ve said to drunk friends in college, and my children.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

@Triathleteby40 It’s so therapeutic 😂

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

@Triathleteby40 I have a swear word coloring book.

[Momma Bear Swears @MommaBearSwears]

@IMomalogues I’ve done this for the last 5 thanksgivings (since my oldest was born) and I will continue to do it forever: order full thanksgiving meal from a restaurant. Cracker Barrel is my current favorite! Everything comes prepped, just needs to be heated.