The Mommy Catwalk

Recommended by 9 out of 10 people that recommend things.
May cause side effects

[The Mommy Catwalk @MommyCatwalk]

So glad I read the label on the Clorox spray. I was just about to rub it in my eyes & put it in the reach of so many children.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

I didn't accomplish anything today.

But I also didn't lie about a robbery and cause an international incident.

It was a pretty good day.

[The Mommy Catwalk @MommyCatwalk]

MOMS; need ideas to speed up bedtime routine; make it a wind-down, special moment to get my child to sleep faster. Ideas?? #Moms #singlemom

[The Mommy Catwalk @MommyCatwalk]

Went to Target.
Forgot what I came here for, yet I have a full cart.
Ive been here for 2 days.
Someone plz feed my children.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

If someone offers to pay and there is a Disney character on their credit card, just let them, they are serious about the points.

[Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds]

This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.

[The Mommy Catwalk @MommyCatwalk]

Sorry Ive been MIA - but vacation was absolute bliss <3 <3 <3

[The Mommy Catwalk @MommyCatwalk]

I dont have enough ingredients to make a milkshake today.... so I guess no boys in my yard. :(

[Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds]

My neighbors' safe-word is, Hufflepuff. I only know this because I happened to jog past their bedroom window for an hour.

[Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds]

Tough call. Continue watching election coverage - or tickle fight with a starving adult lion.

[Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds]

If pure anxiety was an Olympic sport, I'd feel really fucking anxious about all the gold medals I just won like a BOSS.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: Who made this mess?

4-year-old: A flying horse that talks.

Me: Where is he?

4: Invisible.

Damn. Her story is airtight.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Wife: You're addicted to your phone

Me: I wouldn't run into a burning building to get it

Wife: You wouldn't set it down in the first place

[The Mommy Catwalk @MommyCatwalk]

"Im going back to school again?"
"Of course! Summer break is over"
"Isnt there a school app?"
....
Someone needs to get on this.
©SchoolApp

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Thanks for teaching your toddler how to fist bump so I look like an idiot when I go for the high five.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

My 4-year-old called our grass "yard hair."

I've been calling it by the wrong name all along.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: We're going to the store.

4-year-old: Which shoes can I wear?

Me: Any you want.

[2 minutes later]

Me: Not roller skates.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: Do you want to take showers instead of baths?

4-year-old: I can't.

Me: Why not?

4: Bears.

Well, that settles that.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

What happens at different ages, according to my 4-year-old:

5: Go to kindergarten.

8: Stay up late.

16: Learn to drive.

18: Be a pirate.