Jaimie Vogelsong

Momma on a mission to teach my man-cubs all the best bad words.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

I wish I found workouts as satisfying as I do C2C crochet patterns so I could trade this awesome pre-carpal tunnel pain for some sweet abs.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Two boys are crying because they are tired but don't want to nap. Meanwhile, this Momma is on the edge because she so desperately wants to go to sleep. Parenthood is brutal.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

I just kissed a sticky smelling kid goodnight. Not a child who is sticky and smelly, but one who smells of stickiness.

It's really a thing.

It is unpleasant.

It's worth it.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

It was the middle of July and all through the house not a creature was stirring... except the big dumb dog who stood up, tried to shake himself loose, lost his footing on the laminate, and crashed to the floor with a ruckus guaranteed to wake all the sleeping boys.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

There's a naked three year old running laps in my hallway screaming "NAKEY BOY" and "SUPERFAST" and I'm not sure when this became normal, acceptable, or kinda cute, but it did.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

While holding an ice pack on the 3 year-old's face:

Me: No more jumping on the couch.

3yo: Why?

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Before I went to bed last night I spent 15 minutes holding a tiny flashlight in my teeth while I clipped snaggle-nails off of a sleeping toddler. Just in case you're wondering what parenthood looks like.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Someone should really let newborns know they are only supposed to sleep on their backs on a firm mattress without any loose linens because every newborn I encounter wants to sleep on their stomach on a cushy surface loosely covered by a thin blanket.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Who arbitrarily decided size 13 was the biggest number allowed for children's shoes and then we should start over? And why are toddler socks sized like clothes and not shoes?

Who came up with this system?

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Me: Maybe a hundred bucks for a professional is worth it so you don't spend all morning on one project...

Husband: It'll only take 2 hours.

#famouslastwords #DIYproblems

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

At first glance there are only two of each, but when a 2 year old climbs on you an undetermined number of knees and elbows emerge from their tiny bodies with perfect pain-inflicting aim.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

We can baby-proof all we want, the house will never be toddler safe. This two year old managed to make pillows hazardous.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

2 year old pokes bandaid husband's arm

Husband: Don't poke my owie.

2yo: Owie? *pokes band aid*

[Bunmi Laditan @HonestToddler]

If you’re a Christian tired of seeing your religion dragged through the mud by money hungry, child abusing, human rights violating monsters, say something. Don’t be a coward. If you love your faith, defend it.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Classic parent dilemma: load kid in the car to run errands. Kid falls asleep.

Drive in circles and enjoy a bonus naptime or actually get things done by waking the dragon?

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Husband to toddler: Do NOT dump those blocks everywhere.

Toddler delicately dumps bag of blocks onto coffee table.

Toddler swats blocks off table. Blocks fly across the room with tremendous clatters.

Husband: That was not funny!

Me: *laughs hysterically*

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Me: No, go put that back on the shelf.

2 year old: No. Bye! *hops on toy motorcycle and cruises away*

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

After watching my 2 year old with his toys I am convinced he will one day throw rocks into the abyss of the Grand Canyon with great satisfaction.

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Do they make trail running shoes for toddlers? Because his version of a nature scavenger hunt with friends is sprinting through the woods while I chase trying to convince him to look at sticks.

#momlife #dirtonyourshoes

[Jaimie Vogelsong @MomoftheVogels]

Me fresh out of the shower: what's going on?

Hubs standing next to bed: It's time for bed.

Me: We need the sheets out of the dryer.

Hubs: What do you want me to do about it?

Me: Just stand there awkwardly while I dry off, get dressed, then go downstairs to get the sheets.