Mood Bored

Writer/Comedian.

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Just found my old yearbook, read my comment in the "Where do you want to be in 10 years?" section and cried because I'm not the next Ja Rule

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With 12 Years a Slave being released this year the proportion of white people at the Oscars has fallen to an all-time low of 99.9 percent

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Hey ladies, dont get yourself down if you don't have a man on Valentines - Remember, you can trade sex for jewellery most days of the year

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Even if I got AIDs and cancer tomorrow listening to Achy Breaky Heart 2 would still be the worst things to happen this week

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Today, in honour of Martin Luther King I will be judging people solely on the content of their character. Tomorrow Im back to being shallow.

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I recently came in to money which is very exciting, though I'll probably feel shameful and sleepy soon enough

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Weird to think that somewhere in the world right now there is a Japanese businessman paying a young woman to cry on demand

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Another white Christmas at our house!!

The black man my Aunt married was NOT invited.

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My house is super nervous about the asian family moving in next door #racisthouse

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Hey kids, did you know that cool ranch doritos are just ranch doritos that smoke cigarettes? Now, who wants to sit on Santa's knee?!

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In the morning Im such an asshole until I get my coffee, after that Im an asshole *with* coffee

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Victoria's Secret - I think it's bulimia

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The only things I'm afraid of are spiders and intimacy- My biggest fear is a black widow that wants us to be exclusive.

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Fruit tea is like those chicken fillet bra inserts: Comes in cups, promises more than it delivers

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Oh you're a hot girl that smokes weed? It's odd that I managed to find that out because it's not like you mention it ALL. THE. TIME.

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Philips have a razor with a laser guide for straight beards. A razor with a laser, it's name? You guessed it, the Philips Beard Trimmer 9000

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Hey flatmates, im trying to steal your food, please buy brands I like

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To assert my masculinity I like to have a little bit of chest hair visible at all times.....also my left nut

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Finally got a double bed after years on a single. Can't wait to give it some proper use. PILLOW FORT!!

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Today is Hump Day, in that it's a Wednesday, and also cos of the way I'm grinding on my office chair