Captain Morgan

Fuck romance, I want a burrito.

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

Words I wish people would stop using:

-Zeitgeist
-Gentrify
-I don't want to date you
-You might have a drinking problem
-Moist

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

@KevinPeterson @hopiebuggie @twinklepriccio 😍❤️

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

Respect to my Lyft driver for not saying a single word to me for the entire 45 minutes of my trip. A true hero.

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

@alphadeltalima 😂

[Dan @Brohamulet]

@MorganJ7 That sounds kinda nice. I always just find out days later that I saved a video game in some ridiculous location

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

Drunk me loves sober me so much. Thanks for the new earrings betch love you too

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

Me on dating apps.

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

The good news about being an adult is literally no one can stop you from drinking alcohol for breakfast, but the bad news about being an adult is literally no one can stop you from drinking alcohol for breakfast.

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

There’s a special place in hell for a woman who looks you in the eye on her way out of the public bathroom and doesn’t tell you that’s it’s out of toilet paper.

[tyler oakley @tyleroakley]

someone: “how’s it going?”
me: “i’m doing pretty well in pokemongo”
someone: “no like in life”
me: “my pokedex is really coming along beautifully”

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

@ErinADarling @vcarded @Crystalmccahil iiiiiinteresting.... ;)

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

YOU ARE TRIVIALIZING ONE OF THE MOST EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS OF ALL TIME https://t.co/E2iu0Mj9uK

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

@MoviePass_CS Sooo I bought 3 movie passes for my family...they received one. I contacted customer service and nothing. What’s a girl gotta do to get a response from you guys?

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

😂 https://t.co/D9GQV3eIgz

[The Pretty Girl Swag @AllTheUglyTruth]

@MorganJ7 Some people avoid meds like they avoid military service...

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

@youstolemyname A conclusion I drew long ago haha. It’s still just funny to think it’s been at least a decade 😂

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

🤷🏻‍♀️ https://t.co/ieFZncrXWF

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

My autocorrect keeps changing “New Years” to “Jew Years” which ok fair.

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

@KevinPeterson yessss draw me all the porgs

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

A true hero. 🙌🏻 https://t.co/TeFYyu0z9H

[Emily Seawright @cantseawright]

my family's Christmas card this year lmao

[Captain Morgan @MorganJ7]

I just want one porg.