Paper Towel

I got kicked out of diaper school for huffing paint

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

My life is rated R. Because of cussing

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Thinking of all the great masturbators who have contributed to arts & culture… Jorge Louis Borges, Jean Langlais, Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Homer…

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Dro Biden, commander in cheefing

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Gotta stop drinking piss before bed

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

I love Goofus & Gallant but it can be overly moralistic at times

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Ed Harley showed up and told me it’s time to stop farting and go to the bathroom

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Metal enthusiast: Have you heard the new Full of Hell album?
Middle-Eastern food enthusiast: I didn’t even know it made one! But it is my favorite chickpea-based fried food, so I will be sure to check out its album!

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

You’re a good example of someone who owes me $37.50

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

You don’t understand! I only like things that are for dumb people but I like them *in a smart way*

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Ur uncle’s dad is called ur great uncle? Who approved this

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

I never should have held the beer

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Me: "AI is the most frightening new technology of the modern age"
Inventor of getting broken up with by Hannah: "Hold my beer"

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

I heard they're coming out with a new type of queer that includes David Berman

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

2 weeks since the breakup the karaoke bars in town all recognize me & pretend they don't have any Adele

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Ignore those billboards with the picture of me and the caption, "DON'T LET THIS MAN SUCK YOUR DICK". I wasn't gonna anyway!

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Hannah realized that our whole relationship had been built on a lie. Really, she had no choice but to end it.

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

Hannah and I are separating 🧵

[Paper Towel @Mr_Toenails]

In doing so, she found a torn-out page from a Bobby Flay cookbook — an eggplant parm recipe — the same recipe that I had used on our first date... The parm that I had claimed was my own recipe from scratch.