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The basic foundation of nihilism/existentialism/humanism is that life is meaningless (not the OP's but Schopenhauer, Kant, Nietzsche Kierkegaard, and Sartre's e.t.c).
For some like Schopenhauer, meaninglessness inevitably bred dissatisfaction: for the likes of Camus, happiness
1. An objective truth (meaning) holds because it can be inferred universally, or at least, among the majority.
2. Life's meaning is a very subjective truth depending on one's circumstance: for the hungry, winning is a full stomach, for the pious, it is heaven.
The art of returning to the writing of poetry is indeed a humiliating experience, as every creative process that requires an elaborate translation of knowledge or sensibility on paper, or to be poetic: “a patterning of the chaos within and outside,” but it doesn’t end in shame.
My dear sister @NyamburaGobela asked me to slow down and witness myself arriving at the end of a leg of my journey, and I interpreted the smells (sweat, dust, death, smoke) as narratives. What stories have you told yourself in your journey through the hard lands of life?
She told me the things she'll do to me will worry a priest but thrill a poet.
Now I'm numb from my waist down. I can't feel my toes ,tongue, eyes and ...I want to go home.
It is a Monday afternoon and I am seated at an ordination service. The organ exhales ancient hymns that rise into the rafters and settle upon us with the weight of centuries. The church seems to breathe with them. Voices gather, swell and dissolve into one another until it becomes difficult to tell where the music ends and belief begins.
Around me are faces lit with the solemn joy reserved for the fulfilment of long-awaited promises. Mothers smile through damp eyes. Priests beam with the pride of men welcoming others into a life they themselves have come to love. The men about to be ordained kneel before the altar, their heads bowed beneath the weight of vows they are about to make, while an entire congregation rejoices that a bevy of souls have answered a call they believe came from God Himself. I understand the beauty of it. I understand why someone would desire this to be the rhythm by which every one of their days is measured. I only wish I understood why I am not moved by it.
I search myself as the hymns rise, as the vestments catch the afternoon light, as the prayers are recited with the ease of words that have lived on the tongues of generations before them. I look upon all this accumulated beauty—the ritual, the music, the symbolism, the continuity of a tradition that has survived empires and revolutions—and I wait for something within me to answer. The organ is magnificent. The liturgy is beautiful. The people around me are sincere. I believe every one of those things, and still my heart remains wrapped in a silence I cannot explain.
Perhaps that is what troubles me most. It is not disbelief. It is distance. I do not mock the ordination of priests. If anything, I envy it. I envy the certainty that allows a man to surrender his entire life to something he cannot touch. I envy the ease with which the people around me seem to enter a reality from which I remain strangely distant. They hear something in these hymns that escapes me. They encounter someone in these prayers whom I continue to search for. Standing this close to what so many people call the presence of God while remaining so profoundly untouched by it leaves me with a discomfort I have never quite found the language to describe.
I am close enough to hear every note the organ produces, close enough to watch belief take visible form in bowed heads, folded hands and tear-filled eyes, and yet whatever it is that moves them refuses to arrive within me. I find myself wondering whether faith is something one acquires, something one receives, or something that exists within some people while others spend a lifetime searching for it.
I do not know. The older I grow, the more I wonder whether not knowing is simply the truest condition of being human. Even these men, radiant with joy as they kneel before the altar, do not know what tomorrow will ask of them. They do not know the burdens their vocation will place upon them, the doubts they will wrestle with in the privacy of their own hearts, the prayers that will seem to disappear into silence, or the unexpected graces that will find them years from now. They kneel anyway, and I keep searching. Perhaps that is where we all meet: priest and questioning believer alike, in the same sea of not knowing, each of us learning, in our own way, how to stay afloat.
Skills that have nothing to do with money but are worth dedicating an immense amount of practice to:
- semen retention
- disciplining the gaze
- breaking bloodline patterns
- manual labour daily
- decrypting dreams
- digesting Gods silence
- swallowing humiliation consciously
- transmuting sexual rage
- blessing an enemy sincerely
- navigating feminine deception
- entertaining madness sober
- obeying nothing internally but your will
- holding power unannounced
- reading bone structure
- starving the character
- feeding the shadow
- choosing pain voluntarily
- refusing comfort during grief
- commanding your fear verbally
- sitting inside guilt until it teaches you
- walking at night
- reading a face
- breath control under rage
- sleeping on floors
- killing an identity
- commanding a demonic thought
- digesting betrayal cold
- eating alone
- staring at fire
...The needs to be babied coupled with...
The feels I can lift a car, rule the multiverse
So inverse,why so diverse?
Craving and cramps,hormones so raging
I'll go home and take her a care pack
Or jolt her...
I thought about this yesterday after seeing my friend's YouTube video getting 1000 views. I imagined him talking to all of them at once.
So this digits are actual people.
Social media for some reason makes numbers look like nothing:
50 likes on an IG post looks like a fail.
50 likes on a story feels overwhelming..
Do you know how excited you would be in real life if in one day 50 people told you they like your shirt or dress?
Or maybe, hear me out:
There is an identity crisis stemming from women empowerment & gender roles in that dynamic but also the institutional erosion of the role of marriage in building wealth, happening simultaneously.
Some people are marrying for love & forgetting there is a future to build where 2 masons are better than one.
So now empowered women want equal pay but also want to keep their pay so that the man spends his on them cos that’s what they saw their fathers doing in the house when their moms weren’t liberated from the shackles of patriarchy, while the men expect the women to still play house how their moms did.
It’s layered like an onion.