mydadbillmurray

Mom, you're on speakerphone. Tell the guys how cool I am.

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

When the jackhammer was invented, I wonder if the critics heralded it as “groundbreaking”

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

I wonder if there’s a Jesus ant out there somewhere that used to be a carpenter ant

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Hartenstein’s monster

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Planning to start a southern hospitality based breast cancer center and calling it “Yes, Ma’ammogram”

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

When you don’t have a bed frame you have a very large bed side table

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Can we celebrate the Presidents the day after the Super Bowl??

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

My wife was hosting a girls’ night Mahjong party and I was shocked when she rejected my idea of blasting Rob Zombie and greeting each guest with “Welcome to the Mahj Pit.”

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Nice to see Durant still doesn’t know how to win big games in OKC.

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

@barstoolsports Decepticons are here

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

@rondonkers Lol - we’re gonna need a bigger gravy boat!

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

I don’t want a gravy boat, I want a gravy yacht!

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

@barnacle_Joseph Dude! There was a kid in my elementary school named William Pickle

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Kenneth G
Kenneth Loggins
Kenneth Rogers
Kenneth McCormick

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

There are a lot of man-made lakes, but only one had her own talk show. Great job, Ricki.

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Smells like kuppdog in here

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Choose your own adventure? Ok, but it's not going to involve reading this book.

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

When a spider walks into a house does it immediately begin flailing its legs around making sure it doesn't have a human somewhere on its body?

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

Video game idea: Mario Kart meets GTA…and we call it - Mario Kartel

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

I am a zynner who’s probably gonna zyn again #bitchdontkillmyvibe

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

@ehawk80 Make American cheese grate again

[mydadbillmurray @MyDadBillMurray]

He knew he was going to be in the “country music” genre - he really should have went with Keith Rural