Malachi Thomas

Hey man, I'm just here for the Goldfish and bitches.

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Step 2- Make sure mom knows you're crying.

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Step 1- Cry

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Moms solos... 8/10
Mom and dads duets... 2/10
#thanksdad

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Mom and dad. You weren't good at singing before we got in the car. Cranking the music all the way up and shouting does not make you better.

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Oh my god. Georgia literally goes on forever! #theneverendingstate

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

@Naturtok #tru

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Gee @Naturtok thanks for favoriting all of my tweets at once. #getwiththeprogram

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Yeah... I ate them all. Don't you fucking judge me. #foodisfood #canthavejustone

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Don't worry all! We left his whiny ass in Orlando! #freeatlast #freeatlast #thankgodalmighty #wearefreeatlast

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

@kimxjohnson oh Kim, were you talking to me? I assumed you were still talking to Pinocchio. #comeatmebro

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

@sean_sears6 you shut the fuck up Sean! I'm consoling my bro. Do you see what they've done!?

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

You think you can take my fucking dessert dad?!? You're. Fucking. Dead. To. Me. #motherfuckingdeadtome

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

I fucking love me some chocolate. #fattyontheinside

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

God damn, this waitress is falling for every single one of my moves. #puttyinmyhands

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Ground control to Major Tom. #gonetoosoon #biggestmusicalinfluenceofmylife

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Prepare your ear holes. Bout to drop the hottest mixtape of 2016. #kanyehasnothingonus

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

What the fuck! This guy at lunch just used half a packet of MAYO on one fucking chicken nugget! #itwasethan #ethanisfuckinggross

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Sometimes I cry when I go down water slides. Other times I'm laughing. Honestly I don't even know. #realtalk

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Mother, I think you know which one of those last tweets was aimed at you...

[Malachi Thomas @MyLittleMan812]

Oh honey you should not be wearing a thong. Please. #hipposshouldntgoswimming