My Most Offensive

I really think these things.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

If you steal a box of communion wafers, is that theft or kidnapping? #Wwjd

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

Next Halloween I'm decorating my house like a white panel van, and then seeing how many kids take candy from me.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

“If you’ve had less than 12 sex partners,you’re more exclusive than the moon”

I’m more exclusive than the club I had sex behind last night.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

My GF: “You know what really gets my nipples hard? Snowmen.”

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

“Don’t talk to me about tough times; I have to suck a metal dick every day just to live.” - Every pet hamster everywhere

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

Tom Cruise to make sequel to “Top Gun.” Title: “Bottom Gun”

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

"My biggest challenge was imagining I absolutely, without question, definitely killed Nicole Brown Simpson." https://t.co/Xae6ufNLHa

[Variety @Variety]

Why O.J. Simpson was Cuba Gooding Jr.'s hardest role of all time https://t.co/Plg4Nlis9D

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

My uncle hung himself in the front yard. Unfortunately, it was on Halloween, so nobody realized it for a couple of days.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

#ZombieSamBeckettNeverReturnedHome

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

Seven years. Seven years they’ve been fucking walking.

When are the Dead gonna get where they are going?

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

Whenever I think of @realdonaldtrump smiling I can’t help but see a ham sandwich jizzing all over the flag.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

Vincent D’Onofrio is 56 today! What’s your favorite of his roles: Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, or white Ving Rhames?

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

Time changes everything. A tour of a fire station at 5 years old is cool! At 35, it’s clear college didn’t work out.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

“If you like January Jones in ‘Mad Men,’ you might like some of her other roles.” That’s certainly what her managers hoped, Google Ads.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

If you don’t have direct experience dealing with the police, you should shut the fuck up.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

When did @pattonoswalt turn into the troll of trolls, mansplainer of mansplainers? #ComedianOfComedy #ShouldHaveSeenTheSigns

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

I only practice one method of birth control. I call it “the Slinky technique.”

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

You say no intelligent design, I say “then why don’t we find ourselves delicious?” In an unthinking universe we are all our own guilty snack

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

“Tyler Perry’s The Have and the Have Nots” was originally titled “Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry and His Writing Staff”.

[My Most Offensive @MyMostOffensive]

Sometimes I like to end Internet arguments with “I’m white and male in America, so none of this applies to me anyway.”