NHL Player unSafety

unOfficial Twitter account for the NHL Department of Player unSafety

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

R.I.P. Boston fans telling you: “The calls are the calls, just play the game.”
#NHL #Bruins #stlblues

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Jordan Binnington has a hearing today for making the NHL referees pee a little when he smacked the glass last night. #NHLPlayoffs #stlblues #sharks

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Brad Marchand has been suspended for the remainder of the second round for violating the NHL’s minimum height requirements.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Boston’s Brad Marchand will have a hearing tomorrow for being a little school boy bitch.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

The New York Islanders coach Barry Trotz has been suspended indefinitely for being savage AF. #NHL #DoTheTrotz

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Ryan Reaves will have a hearing with Tom Wilson on how to better make direct contact with someone’s head. #NHL

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Not having Tom Wilson in for a hearing just reinforces our stance at the @NHL on head injuries. #NHLcares

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Washington’s Tom Wilson will have a hearing tomorrow in New York to see if he’s better fit for running the @NHLPlayerSafety or a straitjacket. #NHL

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Washington’s Tom Wilson has been suspended for 41 games for his hit on St.Louis’ Oskar Sundqvist. Wilson’s next offense will result in an 82 game suspension, and after that a lifetime ban.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Tom Wilson will have his standing weekly hearing on Tuesday in NYC, this may be brought up in conversation.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Montreal’s Max Domi has been awarded a vacation for the remainder of the preseason for roughing Florida’s Aaron Ekblad. #2Tickets2Paradise #SandalsJamaica

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Tom Wilson will not have a hearing for his blindside hit on Jonathan Marchessault because he was just looking at his jersey trying to figure out how to spell Marchessault when they collided. #AllCaps #VegasBorn

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Tampa Bay’s Anton Stralman will receive money from every other player in the NHL to say thank you for making Tom Wilson call the kettle black. #ALLCAPS #GOBOLTS

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Winnipeg’s Mathieu Perreault has been suspended for tonight’s game 7 for his flatulating on and giving pink eye to the forearm of Nashville’s PK Subban.

Rule 69.A: “It is deemed illegal flatulence when a player expels intestinal gas through the anus at another player.”

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Pittsburgh’s Jake Guentzel has been suspended, not for his hit on Carlson, but because he’s 11. His suspension will last until his 18th birthday.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

The keeper of the cup has announced that in the unlikely event the Bruins were to win the Stanley Cup, Brad Marchand will not be allowed to lick the Cup, rather he’ll have to kiss it like a normal human.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Boston’s Brad Marchand will be given 8 paper cuts on his tongue followed by a bag of Lays Potatoe Chips being shoved in his mouth, for being a disgusting embarrassment to the Bruins, Hockey and the World in general.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Washington’s TJ Oshie has a hearing today for his illegal use of a rocket in his ass to hit Pittsburgh’s Kris Letang.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

Boston’s Brad Marchand has been suspended from all Aramark concession stands for licking all the pretzels served at last nights game.

[NHL Player unSafety @NHLPlayerUnsafe]

To clarify, although he is being suspended for this, we still agree with the on Ice officials that there was no penalty on the play.