Neil Olney

Lost the love of my life but she always told me to be kind and happy. I’m trying my best.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #RateMyPun Just watched a fairly boring public information film about a 5 year old boy crossing a road. I have to say, it was a little pedestrian.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #badjokefriday On the Delhi Metro, in India they have decided to do cheap travel, early mid-week, and it’s known as Rolling Stones day. 
Why’s that?
Because it’s Rupee Tuesday.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #badjokethursday A chef has written a Beatles style song for Paige, who often teams up with Lloyd Webber, in honour of an Italian style meal he has invented.
From meat to you?
No, Penne Elaine.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit When William becomes King they want to put up a huge statue of him in Cardiff to commemorate his role in that country. They have created a space in the city to set it on, but await the big day. Until then people can see the Plinth of Wales.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

When your cat has hatched a plan to kill you and the dog is trying to send you distress signals.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Our cricket team took on a nightclub door staff team in a charity match.
My buddy really fancies himself as an opening batsman, but scored zero and was out first-ball to a bouncer.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I’ve got a buddy who breeds ducks and feeds them on a mix of illegal, controlled drugs.
Eggstacy?
No, Quack cocaine?

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday My grandma always said - "If you get a tattoo make sure you have it done in a place that doesn't matter". So I’m off to Leicester later.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I've just written a pocket-sized book about lettuce leaves.
My publisher has described it as a Little Gem.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #badjokefriday My local constabulary showed off their latest tech yesterday, when they demonstrated their steel plated, ballistic gloves to the public. Some drunk people got carried away, and it all got nasty, ending up with accusations of heavy-handed policing.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #badjokethursday The phone in my hotel room rang this morning.
“Could you pour the packet of protein powder at the side of your bed into the mug and put it on the small set of electronic kitchen scales” 
Me -“What is this all about?”
“It’s your whey-cup-call”

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Leafing through a sea fishing book yesterday, I came across a fish that, if it were named in Latin would be Donaldus Trump.
What sort of fish?
It’s an Orange Roughy.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I went deep sea fishing yesterday with the Naturist Society, and it was so hot that our naked bodies and fishing equipment suffered badly.
What about your tackle?
Liberal amounts of sun lotion really helped.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

A new species of Octopus has been found. It is described as blue and about the size of a golf ball. I found some first, but mine had a hole in one.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I’ve been asked to play several parts in a promotional video for our local bakery. I love trying out different rolls.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I went to my doctor and told her that every time I drop my boxer shorts in the toilet, I get incredibly upset and want them back where they belong. She wanted to know how long I had had these pant up emotions.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I’ve opened a charity shop selling very large paintings, subtly coloured, in aid of homeless people and called it ‘Biggish Hues’.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #badjokefriday Our local auction house has discovered that a valuable Lautrec painting has gone missing. It’s a lot to lose.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #badjokethursday King Charles says he doesn’t want the traditional alcohol-soaked fruit cake at his official birthday celebrations next month. So Andrew’s not been invited.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit My mate is a show-off  inventor and recently threw himself off a pier into the sea whilst on fire, to demonstrate his new flotation device.
Flame buoyant?
More like a bit extravagant.

[Neil Olney @NeilOlney]

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I was once cast as the lead stand-in for a theatre musical about the Cuban dictator, Castro. After a while I realised I was not going to get my big chance so left as I was fed up with playing second Fidel.